US History Hardon

Sitting in class besides this sort of shy guy. I am pretty sure he is this gay guy that talks to me on gay.com sometimes. His pic is a lil different but I catch him looking at my package when i wear tight jeans. Sometimes i smirk when i see him staring but today I took it one step further.

Easily feeling my cock harden, my jeans were tight and it had be adjusted. There was no way to do it without him seeing. I raised myself up from my seat and tucked my cock down the side of my leg closest to him. Knowing he's watching I kept getting harder and harder. You ever think this is the biggest your cock has ever been when you're hard. Im pretty sure it was. My focus was shifting away from US History and I was forcing my cock to twitch. He was staring and I was looking at his crotch and smirking. Re adjusting again to make it bulge on top of my leg and he stopped writing his notes. His head was down staring to the side of his notes, crossing out the same word over and over. How could no one notice that our breathes were getting heavy. The breathing in the back of the class was easily audible over the profs analysis of socialism.

Precum soaked through my boxers and was starting on my jeans. Hands under my desk rubbing my hardon. He's arching his back in his seat and forcing his cock to twitch in his loose jeans. Nice of him to do since my jeans are tight and i dont have to be so obvious. He stared at my hands under my desk rubbing the vein that runs the length of my cock. He gets so nervous. We're at the very back and there is no on even moderatley awake in the class.

He puts on his jacket, tucks his cock in and leaves. I didnt follow because really he isnt my type or even that attractive, but getting stared at and obviously lusted after is a killer way to start my day.

I just got back from Toronto which is were I was for the past week and I'll update about that later. It was mostly shopping with an orgy here and there...two of em actually. Hickeys are so fuckin tacky.

Cheery Upbeat Birthday Post

Does anyone read this, besides the one person I know well?? Leave a fuckin comment if you read this garbage.

Do you ever wake up and just wish you could stay in bed? FOREVER. Then do you wake up and write suicide notes in your head all morning while you shower and eat and get dressed and drive to work? Me. Neither.

I hate birthdays and I am especially inexcited about 25. So now I am 25 years old and I supposed I can have a quarter life crisis. I think I'm having it.

I had a shit day yesterday, well it was good at the start and great at the end, the middle however sucked so bad that I dont think I can salvage the day and say it was "good".

B is just kind of fading and I am so confident that he is not my type, he is however cute and smart so I'm somewhat conflicted. He is too affected and sadly I'm more then aware that I am so affected in general that I dont need to be and shouldnt be with anyone right now. I have to stick to friends and really avoid unfulfilling sex with people I barely know, I doubt I will totally abstain. I have already taken a huge cut in the amount of people I sleep with. Down 90% in the past few months.

Anonymous sex is so unfullfilling that I can hardly handle it at all. It drains me physically and mentally and I absolutely feel that I am regressing whenever I do it. It takes me down to a level of unhappiness that I really never want to visit. My cock does get the better of me sometimes though and I suppose one of these times I may pay for it.

Speaking with one of my closest friends yesterday I realized that I have never had sex with someone I loved, or never with someone I had a healthy loving relationship. I had sex with my boyfriend when I lived with him years ago and loved him in a way, but it was more like worry about him hurting himself love.

What would it be like to sleep with someone I was in love with I wonder, what would that be like? Jesus I cant even fathom it, I have a feeling this is very unfortunate. I mean I have slept with people that I loved but not in love with. WITH is the operative word. I mean we loved eachother and cared about eachother but we werent in love with eachother.

I'd like to fall in love this year.

Or else be dead by 26. . .because really whats the point?

Manifest destiny...I like to think I have a lil control

Okay so here is how it went down...you are going to think I'm an idiot but I really wanted to go out and have sex last night and wasnt sure if i should or not. Its been forever and I didnt want to fuck things up with B.

I log onto MSN to look around and see who is on..I.E pick who I want to fuck me for the night and then go on with that, move forth..yadda yadda yadda

B is online and our conversation goes as follows...this is from memory so cut me some slack if i fuck up and recount the tale to you later, albeit more precisely.

B: Hey Handsome

ME: Hey Kid

B: Whats up?

ME: Not much, I thought you were going out?? Home already??

B: What would make you think I was going out?

ME: You told me, quit being difficult

B: LOL difficult eh? You' re projecting again

ME: Oh yeah? Thanks for filling me in. So you want me to pursue you or what?

B: Pursue?

B: Pardon?

B: Isnt that up to you big guy?

ME: I'm not interested in an exercise in futility.

B: It may be futile I dont know, I am such a mess of baggage right now

ME: You think that makes you unique?

B: I just dont want you to fall in love with me and become obsessed and Ill have to break your heart.

ME: LOL you're kidding me right? No doubt there exists an initial puppy love or lust but dont get ahead or yourself

B: Im just looking out for you

ME: Kiddo I can see your baggage and raise it 10x , I dont need to be protected but I do want us both to tell eachother when we arent interested.

B: You are telling me that you arent interested right now? On msn??

ME: No, but I am saying I am going to keep you informed and I want the same. So if you are letting me pursue you and like it, pursue back instead of being aloof.

B: Im so all over the map, I should tell you now that I am not a good person to date.

ME: You're cryptic and I like it, I dont want to know everything about you asap

B: LOL Thx A (ME)

ME: OK, have a good night

B: Thx A (ME)...**wink emoticon**

Jesus I wonder if that went well or not, I am so unsure. I think it did because if it hadnt he would have told me not to pursue him further at all. He didnt and seems interested although conflicted that he is going to hurt me. I am starting to think that i dont mind being hurt at least a little. Some of the best relationships I've had were the best times of my life and as a result have made me what I am today..or at least more cognizant of what I am becoming. These relationships resulted in us both being hurt to such a degree that I thought I wouldnt recover. I did recover though and turned out even better.

He talks about baggage. Im not so sure how i feel about that term. Such is life. There is no baggage there are just "growing pains". One should learn from baggage, or at least I do. Shying away from people because you have baggage is ridiculous, what you have is life experience. Whats the hottest thing a guy can have??? Life experience! Its true that at times it can be difficult to move past the unfortunate moments in our lives. Life is never easy. Life is also too short to waste time regailing past emotional atrocities over and over...or to inhibit yourself as a result of those atrocities.

Also recognizing that one may just in fact be the right guy at the right place at the right time. It may not initially seem like its the right place or time but trust me it can shift. I have dated guys on the rebound and they have done just that, helped me to rebound. Some may say this is manifest destiny but I wholeheartedly object. I didnt date them for the purpose of getting over my ex, i dated them with no expectations and perhaps it was just old plain old destiny. They were there at the right time and served their purpose and all went well. Maybe one of the guys I will meet on the "rebound" will be my next bf, maybe he will just be a good friend that is there at the right place and right time.

Talk about fuckin cryptic, I can barely understand myself. What I'm saying is...life is too bloody short to waste time letting your "baggage" weigh you down.

I think I'm oblivious

Cell phone rings at 10 am and its B. I see it on the call display and it makes my heart skip a beat. Waiting to be ditched for our upcoming date this evening, I reluctantly answer.

Plans have changed, he has to guard (lifeguard) today because they are short. Tells me that the fact of the matter is that he can't say No as he is broke as a joke and going away for reading week soon. I tell him to chill, I'm not upset I'll see him when I can.

I spend the entire day deconstructing my confusing relationship with a friend while puffing back joints and working out. It was a great day minus the anxiety I feel when it comes to B.

Did a killer chest and back workout which pretty much quashed any feelings of inadequacy I was having.

Home for 9 pm and B arrives. Looks cute. Hug him and we hold for a bit. Says he is tired so llies down on the couch. Order him food he is hungry. Make out for awhile. Just cuddle. I'm lying down now with my legs over his. He is rubbing my leg and going pretty far up. HOT. We adjust and im doing the same. I rub his legs just staying a millimeter away from cock. He keeps on twitching and breathing heavy.

Make out some more and talk. Tells me about his date with this chubby 19 yr old, he went on one and then ditched him for the next one. He informs me of every detail about their post ditch date, movie and such. Chubby sent him a text right after the movie and said he wished they could have made out at the movie. Not B's style, poor guy just cut himself off right there.

He feels obligated to tell me all about his dates with other people, he came to the conclusion that Chubby just wants experience and is dating other people so B finds that a turnoff. I informed him that I dont need to hear intimate details of his dating other people, "Really B, you can feel free to hold that stuff back, I dont like hearing it." He just giggled and smiled and said he has to keep me informed.

UMmmm at this point I am so fucking confused because B is dating other people and as far as I know he is just using me for experience, since he is pretty fresh on the market. I suspect that he is keeping me interested and possibly even hinting as to what I should be doing with him.

Am i to tell him that I'd like to just date him and am ceasing to date anyone else????

How does one approach this issue? How do I ask? Do I tell or ask? Is it really clear that this what he wants and I'm just a nervous mesmerized idiot around him and i miss the hints? Am I crazy?

The date ended with him going home to study and us kissing at the doorway...alot...alot and grinding and i pinned him. My cock can barely take this teasing, its become bi polar.

And It goes a lil something like this....

Okay its getting out of hand again.

I picture tomorrow when he comes over. I will have timed it perfectly for when i arrive back from the gym. I will still be sweaty and guzzling back gatorade. I'll want to have a shower and I'll tell him to come and talk to me while i shower. He'll sit in the bathroom with me talking through the door, he'll make out my body but it will be foggy, enough to turn him on will be visible. I'll place the towel strategically on the outside shower door so that is covers me from the waist down. Ill be hard throughout my shower im sure, secretly wishing he would just join me and we could slide up and down eachother with the incredible shower smell mixed with my sweat.

More realistically he will stay seated and we'll shoot the shit about the weekend. Both us will recount our weekend and what part's boys played in them. Or what boy's parts we played with. I'm confident he wont have done anything too risque, and I know I haven't and will be honest with him. He'll ask why not and maybe ill tell him that there is no one else i wanna mess around with.

Ill ask him to step out for a minute as my shower is finishing off. This way I will seem like i too dont want him to see me naked, I am "shy". Ill put on some tight white boxer briefs and fitted t shirt and tell him to come talk to me while i get dressed. He'll sit on the bed and laugh and continue to talk about himself. He will then ask me the question that I KNOW he is gonna ask at some point.

"So why were you so crazy horny the other day when I spoke to you?"

"I was just horny to start off with and then I was telling a friend about you and describing you and it just went off the hook. It was mad primal horny, I'm sure you have had it before, I would have walked over my dead grandmas body to pin you against the wall and just lift your shirt off and bite your shoulders."

He'll have some sort of answer, "So you really just wanted to fuck me or fuck around with me out of nowhere, you know that I am having issues with us taking the next step. I dont know if i can get past what you did with my ex years ago, it would be weird to sleep with someone who had sex with my old lover whom I still love and he still loves me."

"There is nothing I dont understand about what you say. I had a first love too and I have no doubt in my mind that I love him today, I've learned to love him from a distance and life goes on. I have no preconceived notions that he is going to dicate anything in my life though. I'm sick of feeling guilty about this, about wanting you, i shouldn't. The only guilt that I realized I'm feeling is that I'm sorry I didnt understand myself better when I was young."

I'll sit beside him at some point during this recitation and I'm sure his hand will meet with mine immediately after I sit down. He'll smile and we'll kiss and make out and then I'll stop and ask him where he wants to go for dinner. We'll get up and leave and go for dinner.

The plan is to come back to my house to watch a movie after dinner and then chill for a bit and catch up on the weeks activities and the general stupid things that have bothered us through out our week. We speak freely and I like that alot. I dont hold back and as far as I know he doesnt either. We'll end up laying together spooning, him in front of me with his head resting on my bicep and my arm around his waist with our hands meeting on his naval, under his shirt where he is ridiculously soft.

There will be the odd kissing of the neck and I'll lift him on to me and have him lying right on top of me, our cocks will both be hard and grinding against eachother, I suspect they will want out of the restraints of his and my pants.

From there I cant predict. This kid is seriously affected by his ex. We could move to the bedroom for full out sex or we could just stop there, most likey we will continue playing. We'll return to spooning, his head on my bicep, Ill whisper to him while hugging him tightly.

"Im not doing this for long B."

Who does he think he is having ME pursue HIM?

I can't even say if I'm sure why I'm like this...anxiety in general is driving me absolutely nuts. I haven't written in here forever as I haven't had much to write about. Life WAS relatively mundane.

Working out a ton and looking better and bigger and better and better. I'm attracting different guys and I think I like it. I'm attracting smaller solid broad guys. Small builds but tight bodies.

I started talking to B maybe about a month ago now. We started on msn and discussed how I had seen him at school and thought maybe he was gay and from there it went to talking on the phone and the obvious step to me describing what I was wearing and how sweaty after the gym I was and the incredible horniness I felt right after I work out. I can't shake the uncontrollable H Factor after the gym...all I want to do is fuck and suck and just roll around in general. I need human contact after I work out.

I curbed my need to get laid post gym and thus the H Factor in me is increasing at a startling rate. I'm in serious trouble and often can't even communicate with people because I am wayy to busy having an illicit daydream. I like them. Illicit daydreams are hot but just not doing the job for now.

Went out on a few dates with this guy, he's 19 and gorgeous, he's always 19 and precaucious and pretentious with a lil bit of arrogant. I suppose that is the epitomy of 19. Talking with him is interesting. He is the oldest of his family and I am the youngest. He has had an easy time coming out and just being himself in general. B hasn't tried any drugs and rarily drinks and really just likes who he is. I wish I had been there at 19. I am just getting there now and I'm turning 25 in 6 days. We went for coffee and dinner and sunday hangover coffee and drinks. I had him over to my brothers (which im housesitting for a couple of weeks) and made him steak and potatoes, he claimed he was basic and thats what he liked...it was an ongoing joke and dinner may have just sealed the deal.

Eating, talking, staring way too much for comfort and then me looking away. He comments on everything and calls me on my shit already. Tells me to maintain eye contact. He then drops the bomb.

"As you know I just broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago and I went out with him for a late dinner last night (because i didnt answer my cell and he called at 3 am, i could have bedded him then). My ex told me that you two slept together 3 or 4 yrs ago and i think we can just be friends now, its too weird for me."

Pissed, I was so fuckin pissed, he had casually mentioned that i may have known his ex back in the day. I'm confused as he didn't even know his ex when i was sleeping with him. He was in grade 10 for christs sake, this is what I'm paying for now.

We discuss accountability and he tells me I should be held accountable. I ask him if he feels its his responsibilty to hold me accountable. We both know I was a crazy X and coke fiend back then and pretty much screwing whomever whenever. He knows I havent been this person for a long time and this isnt the person he is with right now, right here. He best get over it because life is gonna be rough should he take this route with the small community we have here.

Starts talking about how it was his first love and he knows i have screwed lots of people including one of his best friends millions of times. He doesnt want to be # 1 million and 1. He wants to be one in a million. I didnt bother to respond to that comment as we were just starting out and I wasnt gonna give him more credit then he deserved. Instead I LOST IT.

"Maybe the thing that is pretty weird is that you broke up with your boyfriend and told him that you loved him. You then immediately starting dating people and telling said ex boyfriend how excited you are or how much you like the guy you are dating. Do you not think this ex boyfriend is going to try and quash anything you try and get your hands on, sounds like you have instigated alot of resentment in this guy...obvious that he's acting vindictive now?? Who the fuck is this guy in the first place to not observe the unspoken rule of one night stand anonymity...especially in a situation like this. I think his motives are clear. Its interesting how you claim to hate the way the world of gay politics works yet you feed into them."

He sits and stares at me. We laugh a lil. I say I feel better and needed to say that. He doesn't leave which is a good sign considering the fact that i just flipped out on our 4th date. We chat some more and eat some more and clean up a little.

Moving to the couch we sit beside eachother and pop in the movie that he rented. We are watching and his hand is on my lap, he is now rubbing my lap and moved right beside me. He pulls my legs over his and is all over me pushing rubbing massaging, his huge hands within inches of my crotch, Im so hard I can barely breathe, I certainley can't think because every ounce of blood in my body is concentrated in the head of my cock.

I lift him towards me and kiss him and he pushes my mouth with his. Kissing hard i can feel this guys huge cock grinding into me. We stop and stare at eachother. We lay together and watch the movie plus another one with intermittent make out sessions. He leaves, asks to hang out tomorrow and I say sure.

Next day he comes over and we watch a movie and make out and grind with him stopping as soon as we are about to pull our cocks out. He says he cant do it, its just too weird. I decide okay and just pull him down and tight to me and hug him and he kisses my neck. All sweet and nice and i like it but im horny.

Has one hour of free time tues night, comes by and we are all over eachother grinding and kissing the minute i see him. I just walked in from the gym, I'm sweaty and horny and he tells me not to bother showering. HOT. Grind kiss stare at eachother. I notice he smiles whenever I kiss him. I keep kissing him and then stopping to notice he just lays there and smiles. Im fuckin smitten which is such garbage. Me? Smitten? NEVER. Fuck. Following suit he stops and says he cant go any further its just too weird. I ask him why, same reason, is there not chemistry, yes there is chemistry, so what then, i dunno. Okay, ill see you at school. Bye.

Saw him at school, we're goin out tomorrow, he's coming over. I'm going nuts. I dont get smitten. 6'3" 230 lbs muscular isnt supposed to get smitten. I am. Smitten. FUCK!

The source of the better part of my anxiety lies with the fact that B is dating other people and is keeping me informed. I am not dating other people because I know how weak I am and I dont wanna risk screwing it up with B. I dont wanna be the whore he thinks I am. I would be if I was dating other people. I am off the hook horny these days. Its out of control.

I'll see him tomorrow and I need to say something so that my angst will subside. The fact of the matter is that ;

a) I am not the same person at all that I was 4 yrs ago, neither in state of mind nor physically. I would reason to say that I am 80% different. I have always been hot and funny.

b) He IS one in a million not #1 million and 1. My friends are shocked that I have maintained interest with someone for over 2 dates. My friends are shocked that I didnt say goodbye when he wouldnt put out. I have NEVER done this with anyone, I even got my best str8 guy friends naked the 2nd or third time we hung out. I have never spent this much time with a guy without having him naked or deciding never to talk to him again.

Obvious that he is significant, I'm not sure if I want to say those things or not, i could just wait and relax and enjoy..minus the enjoy and relax because I rarily do those two activites unless im drunk or high. Hence, I have been getting fairly rocked these past few days.

I like that he likes my body, worships my arms. I like that he is genuinely smart and perhaps well on his way to enjoying an intellectual stability deserving of a decent guy like himself.

I guess i like him which is such a fuckin pissoff. I hate being human. I hate being the pursuer, I'm used to be pursued.

I dont know if tomorrow I will say my key points to him or just end it. Bad timing and its really unfortunate. Maybe we can rediscover eachother later. Then we both end up dating other people while still wanting eachother and are filled with regret and or infidelities thus hurting out future spouses. He tells me I think too much. Maybe he's right.