Who does he think he is having ME pursue HIM?

I can't even say if I'm sure why I'm like this...anxiety in general is driving me absolutely nuts. I haven't written in here forever as I haven't had much to write about. Life WAS relatively mundane.

Working out a ton and looking better and bigger and better and better. I'm attracting different guys and I think I like it. I'm attracting smaller solid broad guys. Small builds but tight bodies.

I started talking to B maybe about a month ago now. We started on msn and discussed how I had seen him at school and thought maybe he was gay and from there it went to talking on the phone and the obvious step to me describing what I was wearing and how sweaty after the gym I was and the incredible horniness I felt right after I work out. I can't shake the uncontrollable H Factor after the gym...all I want to do is fuck and suck and just roll around in general. I need human contact after I work out.

I curbed my need to get laid post gym and thus the H Factor in me is increasing at a startling rate. I'm in serious trouble and often can't even communicate with people because I am wayy to busy having an illicit daydream. I like them. Illicit daydreams are hot but just not doing the job for now.

Went out on a few dates with this guy, he's 19 and gorgeous, he's always 19 and precaucious and pretentious with a lil bit of arrogant. I suppose that is the epitomy of 19. Talking with him is interesting. He is the oldest of his family and I am the youngest. He has had an easy time coming out and just being himself in general. B hasn't tried any drugs and rarily drinks and really just likes who he is. I wish I had been there at 19. I am just getting there now and I'm turning 25 in 6 days. We went for coffee and dinner and sunday hangover coffee and drinks. I had him over to my brothers (which im housesitting for a couple of weeks) and made him steak and potatoes, he claimed he was basic and thats what he liked...it was an ongoing joke and dinner may have just sealed the deal.

Eating, talking, staring way too much for comfort and then me looking away. He comments on everything and calls me on my shit already. Tells me to maintain eye contact. He then drops the bomb.

"As you know I just broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago and I went out with him for a late dinner last night (because i didnt answer my cell and he called at 3 am, i could have bedded him then). My ex told me that you two slept together 3 or 4 yrs ago and i think we can just be friends now, its too weird for me."

Pissed, I was so fuckin pissed, he had casually mentioned that i may have known his ex back in the day. I'm confused as he didn't even know his ex when i was sleeping with him. He was in grade 10 for christs sake, this is what I'm paying for now.

We discuss accountability and he tells me I should be held accountable. I ask him if he feels its his responsibilty to hold me accountable. We both know I was a crazy X and coke fiend back then and pretty much screwing whomever whenever. He knows I havent been this person for a long time and this isnt the person he is with right now, right here. He best get over it because life is gonna be rough should he take this route with the small community we have here.

Starts talking about how it was his first love and he knows i have screwed lots of people including one of his best friends millions of times. He doesnt want to be # 1 million and 1. He wants to be one in a million. I didnt bother to respond to that comment as we were just starting out and I wasnt gonna give him more credit then he deserved. Instead I LOST IT.

"Maybe the thing that is pretty weird is that you broke up with your boyfriend and told him that you loved him. You then immediately starting dating people and telling said ex boyfriend how excited you are or how much you like the guy you are dating. Do you not think this ex boyfriend is going to try and quash anything you try and get your hands on, sounds like you have instigated alot of resentment in this guy...obvious that he's acting vindictive now?? Who the fuck is this guy in the first place to not observe the unspoken rule of one night stand anonymity...especially in a situation like this. I think his motives are clear. Its interesting how you claim to hate the way the world of gay politics works yet you feed into them."

He sits and stares at me. We laugh a lil. I say I feel better and needed to say that. He doesn't leave which is a good sign considering the fact that i just flipped out on our 4th date. We chat some more and eat some more and clean up a little.

Moving to the couch we sit beside eachother and pop in the movie that he rented. We are watching and his hand is on my lap, he is now rubbing my lap and moved right beside me. He pulls my legs over his and is all over me pushing rubbing massaging, his huge hands within inches of my crotch, Im so hard I can barely breathe, I certainley can't think because every ounce of blood in my body is concentrated in the head of my cock.

I lift him towards me and kiss him and he pushes my mouth with his. Kissing hard i can feel this guys huge cock grinding into me. We stop and stare at eachother. We lay together and watch the movie plus another one with intermittent make out sessions. He leaves, asks to hang out tomorrow and I say sure.

Next day he comes over and we watch a movie and make out and grind with him stopping as soon as we are about to pull our cocks out. He says he cant do it, its just too weird. I decide okay and just pull him down and tight to me and hug him and he kisses my neck. All sweet and nice and i like it but im horny.

Has one hour of free time tues night, comes by and we are all over eachother grinding and kissing the minute i see him. I just walked in from the gym, I'm sweaty and horny and he tells me not to bother showering. HOT. Grind kiss stare at eachother. I notice he smiles whenever I kiss him. I keep kissing him and then stopping to notice he just lays there and smiles. Im fuckin smitten which is such garbage. Me? Smitten? NEVER. Fuck. Following suit he stops and says he cant go any further its just too weird. I ask him why, same reason, is there not chemistry, yes there is chemistry, so what then, i dunno. Okay, ill see you at school. Bye.

Saw him at school, we're goin out tomorrow, he's coming over. I'm going nuts. I dont get smitten. 6'3" 230 lbs muscular isnt supposed to get smitten. I am. Smitten. FUCK!

The source of the better part of my anxiety lies with the fact that B is dating other people and is keeping me informed. I am not dating other people because I know how weak I am and I dont wanna risk screwing it up with B. I dont wanna be the whore he thinks I am. I would be if I was dating other people. I am off the hook horny these days. Its out of control.

I'll see him tomorrow and I need to say something so that my angst will subside. The fact of the matter is that ;

a) I am not the same person at all that I was 4 yrs ago, neither in state of mind nor physically. I would reason to say that I am 80% different. I have always been hot and funny.

b) He IS one in a million not #1 million and 1. My friends are shocked that I have maintained interest with someone for over 2 dates. My friends are shocked that I didnt say goodbye when he wouldnt put out. I have NEVER done this with anyone, I even got my best str8 guy friends naked the 2nd or third time we hung out. I have never spent this much time with a guy without having him naked or deciding never to talk to him again.

Obvious that he is significant, I'm not sure if I want to say those things or not, i could just wait and relax and enjoy..minus the enjoy and relax because I rarily do those two activites unless im drunk or high. Hence, I have been getting fairly rocked these past few days.

I like that he likes my body, worships my arms. I like that he is genuinely smart and perhaps well on his way to enjoying an intellectual stability deserving of a decent guy like himself.

I guess i like him which is such a fuckin pissoff. I hate being human. I hate being the pursuer, I'm used to be pursued.

I dont know if tomorrow I will say my key points to him or just end it. Bad timing and its really unfortunate. Maybe we can rediscover eachother later. Then we both end up dating other people while still wanting eachother and are filled with regret and or infidelities thus hurting out future spouses. He tells me I think too much. Maybe he's right.