Monday, June 30, 2008

one back 2 forward

Spent a ton of time deciding what to do. I dumped my bf of two years yesterday because he is not totally out. He has one group of friends that dont know.

I decided against it. I guess its about compromise. I want to meet his friends, at least one of them. He said I can. We will go out for drinks.

He has his seperate group of friends, I need to spend more time alone with my friends.

I need to take one step back so he can take one forward and catch up.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Where do i go now

I wake up sad. I wake up sad alot.

Not knowing what to do. It's a constant rejection for me. Love him but resent him soo much.

What will I do without him though? I dont want to be who I was before, I'm scared shitless that I will become who I was before. Im scared ill die.

Im so sick of being sad. I am so sick of waking up with tears in my eyes.

I hate seeing him feel bad. I hate making him feel bad by feeling bad myself. I hate it but I really cant handle the thought of eliminating him from my life. What do I hate more? WHo do i hate more is a better question I guess.

Worry about him. I always worry about him. He came here for school, has friends here, fell in love here. We spend so much time together. We help eachother so much. He is clearly my best friend and I tell him everything.

Little things like last night. I didnt know he had plans with these people. He didnt tell me he did. Makes me extra weary everytime he keeps something stupid from me. why not tell me.

Cumming in my ass, at least your intent is clear

Its been so long, I dont know where to start. Life kind of seemed to wrap itself up. Graduated from University. Have a boyfriend I love that is semi in the closet. Feel like I have alienated the entire gay community of this fucking city. Work is good. I'm still lonely. Didnt take long for the synopsis.

Dating a boy in the closet makes me feel like a slut mistress. I dont know how many people do this, I highly advise against it.

To his friends I dont exist.
To his friends he is single.
TO his friends I am nothing, to him I am supposed to mean so much.

Don't fucking patronize me.

Everytime he goes somewhere I was jealous. I am getting better. How long can I do this for though.

I have this urge to be fucked like I used to. Fucked and used by some stranger. Fucked and used by someone that i KNOW does not care about me.

Care about fucking me.
Care about cumming on my face.
Care about leaving me with your cum dripping out of my ass and never "care" about me again.

At least it's full disclosure.

Tempted to cheat these days. Tempted every day. Knowing I could get fucked so hard my head would spin. Tastes have changed...I yearn to be fucked by a bear that will just use me and have no regard for me. I want to grip onto the sides of my mattress. I want my ass in the air and I want to be pounded bare back. I want to whimper as I'm getting fucked and beg for more. I want loud grunts as he cums in my ass and then collapses his sweaty body onto me...his dick gradually just falling out of my ass.

Youth brought an enamour with bareback. Wondering why I am so enamoured again. Do I want to kill myself. I might.

Am I not as lost as I think i am. Will having empty random sex with strangers make me happy again.

What is it going to take?

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


I registered for summer school and have been doing that at night while working during the day. I have no spare time. Ever. Life is brutal...brutally busy at least.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

So i should have been getting them all this time???!!!???

Where have I been??!!?? Where have I been??!!?? Where have you been?!!!? Sitting right there eh? Deadbeats.

Just kidding kiddos. How is life?

I'm doing well but I am busy as a slut on a saturday night. I am working like a dog at work more weekends though!!! I am going to school for 8 hours a week taking three intensive spring courses. I am working the odd saturday to help out some friends...moreso to buy booze for myself. Spare booze money is like free booze...does that make any sense?

Dating an architecture student...getting his masters..almost done! 33 and gorgeous and talented and sickly intelligent but obscenely funny. He also gives the most amazing head ive ever had. That helps too!

This guy is amazing and i dont wanna jinx it just yet but there are definitely some fun sex stores that will flow soon.

We sat and talked last night about the fact that I have this girlfriend who recently broke up with her bf because he wasnt doing well in the sack. She didnt give any pointers and just wanted him to know what to do her. This has made me nervous so I told him exactly what i like. On date 4. I blushed alot.

Heres what i like. . .

- I turned his head away as i was blushing. Cuddling on the porch loveseat I had to hold his cheek to keep him from looking at me while i tell him. . .I wanna get pounded with my face buried in the pillow.

- I want to be on my back getting my face fucked while you hold the back of my head onto your cock

- I want you to talk as dirty as you can while u drill my mouth and pound my ass feeling my neck strain to retain composure.

- I want to hear you cumming as loud as you can and the sputtered breaths and shakes

All went well and he laughed and giggled and then took me upstairs by the hand and blew me senseless. We do what i want next time.

Never being much of a receiver of head I didnt quite know what to expect. I figured it would be nice. WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN MISSING? Jesus Im a big bottom but holy mother of god why dont i get more head. My biceps are sore from reaching behind my head to grip the headboard. I thought i came a million times until the real deal happended and I almost passed out. His technique is amazing, he is pretty amazing on the whole.

I have removed my profiles from sex sites.

Its going to get interesting!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Sad rich folk and stablehands

I dont know what it was about last night but I was so bizzarely calm. I guess I liked it. I can attribute it, perhaps, to the fact that it is getting warm outside and i set up the deck with the chairs and umbrella and such. Sitting drinking white (only when its warm outside) wine (and only riesling cuz im a slut to sweet) and smoking cigarettes is so relaxing.

Periodically I sit there and have these odd moments of clarity. A friend of mine had a nervous the hahaha kind...but the lock em up and let em rock in place on the floor kind. She is okay now and switched her anti-depression meds up but she is still such a sick puppy. Usually too woozy to talk or to fucked up to be coherent.

There is a long list of friends i have who are seemingly falling least their family and personal lives are. Of all the friends I had, who were wealthy or at least VERY comfortable to say the least, almost all of them are watching life as they know it crumble. Its de bloody pressing but almost knocks me into shape....I always thought I had less then everyone during my youth. My friends families were spending more living more lavishly and I was jealous. I was by no means hard done by..exactly oppposite...i just didnt understand extravagance or the notion that things are not what they appear. To sum it up I feel guilty for envying people who were unhappy...who were broke and stressed...who could have used a better friend.

Whilst sitting at home late last night I decided to log on to and look around. All of us are of course familiar with "looking around". We are of course familiar with the fact that I wasnt just chilling outside of my school shooting some beeball when a couple of guys....I digress. Iwas horny.

SUCCESS...there was a prime piece of ass online and he had pets. Note to the unseasoned hoe. Guys with pets are normally nice and thus increase their chance of repeats or eventual partner status. Would I like to go in your new Hotub? Why sure, only because its new though otherwise i would stay at home and watch A&E.

Get to the guys house midnightish and its warm outside but a lil chilly wind. Walk in and look around. Smells faintly of dog which is simple laziness. Then i see them. Three HUGE dogs come barreling towrds me. I love dogs so i lean down a bit and put out my palms and they come and lick and hug and try to jump. One rottweiler sharpei cross...THE CUTEST EVER. One ageing black lab with grey chin hair..SO other mutt also SOOO CUTE.

Im not content and would marry this guy on the spot if he cleaned more. He is a blacksmith and rides and works with horses. I love it. He used to ride with some friends of mine and attented the same country club as me while growing up.

We both get naked and head out to the hot tub. Beers in hand sitting chilling in the hotub talking about exactly what i was saying earlier...the sad disfunction of the richest people we both knew.
He moves over and clummsily grabs me. Im up on that so fast and riding his leg while he is lounging back in the hotub...kissing his neck licking condensation off his exposed chest.

Thank god for the chilly breeze because it kept my nipples super hard and he was gnawing on them while jerking my cock.

I wanna go inside.

Fight my way past dogs who I'm pretty sure are trying to lick my hardon and into the bedroom. Throw him on his back and suck his cock until all i can taste is precum and the beer from before.

I ask "You fuck?"

Yes he did and my head bounced off the wall and off the bed and i was sweaty and grinding and riding and thrown around and so sweaty and sore.

The thing that was interestin is he said he wanted to get rid of these crappy condoms before opening the new ones. Umm sorry am i not worth the new ones.

His eyes bugged out of his head while i lay him back and rode him. I think i would have been worth it. I had to bite my tongue not to ask him to pull of the condom and cum in my ass.

I didnt ask although i wanted it so bad.

He threw me on my back and fucked me like a jackhammer and i came on his chin and chest. He pulled out and came on my sweaty chest and mixed it around.

I left and went home. Work is over and i wanna go home. SOrry for writing so simply.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Holy fuck im nuts

Am i Bi-polar or just nuts in general?

Sitting here thinking about the entry I just wrote. What the fuck am I whining about? I bought Alligator shoes...for wayyy too much...dont ask its obscene. I have clothes that could easily rival the rich and famous. I have gotten myself into this whole and all in all life isnt that bad.

I need to smarten up and no doubt just cut up the fucking card and pay it off slowly. Things could be way worse...wayyyy worse...poor lil rich kid (formerly me until i was cut off) is going to have to stop shopping and eating out every bloody day. Fuck. FINE.

Im so nuts it drives me nuttier...vicious cycle!

Debt relief

I'm absoluetely flipping out. I am practically going nuts and am not sure what to do. I would not only appreciate but hopefully benefit from any advice on this...pls kids.

My debt is too big and its making me nervous...very nervous. I can't sleep anymore and its all I think about..ever. Sad? Yeah I think so.

My credit card which has a 6100 limit is at 4500 and thats trouble. I dont know how to pay it off or really how it got this bad. I spent the money prior to reducing my workload at workplace. I had no choice but to reduce it for school purposes and these purposes still exist as I am continuing to educate throughout i be fucked.

My creditline which I hardly give a shit about is maxed and no room for an increase. I owe 6000 on that and make payments here and there but nothing too extreme as I have such a ridiculously low interest rate.

I feel like such a fuckin dork writing this shit out but I need some kind of piece of mind. I really dont want this garbage to get in the way of my studies.

What to do?

-Cut up said Creditcard and weep uncontrollably at this...must be done.
-Establish a payment plan with myself for creditcard..i was thinking minimum 500 a month and maybe more if i can afford it
-Kill myself and thank god I have all that loss of life insurance on my loans
-Sell my car which I have a decent amount of equity in and then have parents witness it and almost kill me for getting into that kind of debt while living at home.
-Ask brother who has money to give me some
-Suck it up because relatively speaking I am still kicking all my friends' asses when it comes to debt..i.e no student rent
-Go over and over monthly bills...CAR 300...INSURANCE 130....GYM 40..CELL PHONE 80
-Kill Myself now because I still hate the debt so much it hurts
-Get a student line of credit and pay off credit card and enjoy low interest rate again and have more control. I think this is what I have to do.
-Become a rent boy and pay everything off super fast but die inside slowly trick by trick

So as a note to myself..which is really all this shitty is about...I will apply for a student line of credit on day off...after my exam. SHoot me. If i get refused for said SLOC I will simply suck it up and pay off the cc slowly...or become a hoe.

I hate this.

Saturday, April 08, 2006


My entire entry just got nuked. I'm pissed