Fuck light hearted
So this was supposed to be light hearted and a nice relaxing diary. Fuck. That. Noise.
Im miserable as hell and im so fucking sick of being up and then down and its driving me nuts. The funny thing is that I thought I could shake it. No such luck.
Driving in my car I often fantasize about dropping it into 2nd and redlining myself straight into a tree or off the side of a bridge. I thought this was normal. Maybe therein lies the problem.
Talking to friends about it finally. Not normal. Who knew?
Where is my place in the world or gaydom..do I even have a place. Im too masculine to be accepted by the homo's of this city. Im not attracted to feminine guys who live their gayness. Im gay. It's a small part of who i am. I am Adam. I am gay. Not vice versa. Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life because really..thats how it is feeling. I used to think...fuck...its just a matter of time and ill find someone perfect. Someone that I am willing to make compromises over and so will he. Its not that im looking for Mr Perfect but i am looking for a Mr. and not Mrs as many homos seem to be convinced they are.
So many people from my neighborhood have killed themselves within the past...well as long as I can remember..someone different is always dead. Neighbor from down the street just about 6 months ago. Former aquintance and dude from down the stree just about 2 months ago. Best friends brother just a few years ago. Cousins Uncle from other side a few years ago...the list goes on and on. Money doesnt buy happiness. They were all loaded...and now they are all dead.
I place a fair amount of emphasis on retail therapy. Ill blow 250 on a crazy sweatshirt and ill feel better. Great now all i have is this sweatshirt to look good and cry in. FUCK.
I made the mistake of telling my mom that im having a really hard time with life. I always have and she knows that. It's up and down.
Ive been a cocaine and X animal in the past and made it through that. Although i dabble every few months. I see a shrink and have for umpteen years. Im going to start regular this thursday.
I want to be able to function. Being on the brink of tears all the time is near fucking killing me. I dont want to cry and I dont usually. Im so unhappy and I dont know how to fix it. I want to walk out of work and sit in bed and smoke cigarettes...scratch that. I just want to be dead or at least asleep until all this angst has blown over.
To be old would be nice. Then life would be over with and I could be that much closer to death. I wouldnt have to worry about anything anymore and it would just be done. I would so much closer to being finished. Finished with worrying. Finished with guilt about stupid shit. Finished with school. Finished. Like dead. Im trying really hard to convince myself its not a good idea to kill myself, im finding it increasingly difficult as the days go on. Less and less reasons. I think too much.
I used to tell myself that i am too much of a pussy to do it.
Im getting to the point where the idea doesnt seem that extreme anymore and it makes me...well...sad...why do i have to feel like this?
No friend can cheer me up. Nothing really can. Im really worried. I hope to christ i tough it out long enough to get over this. It's really tiring though. Im so fuckin tired.
Back to work and back to life...think i should maybe visit the parental units tonight. I need some reasons and im racking my brain
Im miserable as hell and im so fucking sick of being up and then down and its driving me nuts. The funny thing is that I thought I could shake it. No such luck.
Driving in my car I often fantasize about dropping it into 2nd and redlining myself straight into a tree or off the side of a bridge. I thought this was normal. Maybe therein lies the problem.
Talking to friends about it finally. Not normal. Who knew?
Where is my place in the world or gaydom..do I even have a place. Im too masculine to be accepted by the homo's of this city. Im not attracted to feminine guys who live their gayness. Im gay. It's a small part of who i am. I am Adam. I am gay. Not vice versa. Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life because really..thats how it is feeling. I used to think...fuck...its just a matter of time and ill find someone perfect. Someone that I am willing to make compromises over and so will he. Its not that im looking for Mr Perfect but i am looking for a Mr. and not Mrs as many homos seem to be convinced they are.
So many people from my neighborhood have killed themselves within the past...well as long as I can remember..someone different is always dead. Neighbor from down the street just about 6 months ago. Former aquintance and dude from down the stree just about 2 months ago. Best friends brother just a few years ago. Cousins Uncle from other side a few years ago...the list goes on and on. Money doesnt buy happiness. They were all loaded...and now they are all dead.
I place a fair amount of emphasis on retail therapy. Ill blow 250 on a crazy sweatshirt and ill feel better. Great now all i have is this sweatshirt to look good and cry in. FUCK.
I made the mistake of telling my mom that im having a really hard time with life. I always have and she knows that. It's up and down.
Ive been a cocaine and X animal in the past and made it through that. Although i dabble every few months. I see a shrink and have for umpteen years. Im going to start regular this thursday.
I want to be able to function. Being on the brink of tears all the time is near fucking killing me. I dont want to cry and I dont usually. Im so unhappy and I dont know how to fix it. I want to walk out of work and sit in bed and smoke cigarettes...scratch that. I just want to be dead or at least asleep until all this angst has blown over.
To be old would be nice. Then life would be over with and I could be that much closer to death. I wouldnt have to worry about anything anymore and it would just be done. I would so much closer to being finished. Finished with worrying. Finished with guilt about stupid shit. Finished with school. Finished. Like dead. Im trying really hard to convince myself its not a good idea to kill myself, im finding it increasingly difficult as the days go on. Less and less reasons. I think too much.
I used to tell myself that i am too much of a pussy to do it.
Im getting to the point where the idea doesnt seem that extreme anymore and it makes me...well...sad...why do i have to feel like this?
No friend can cheer me up. Nothing really can. Im really worried. I hope to christ i tough it out long enough to get over this. It's really tiring though. Im so fuckin tired.
Back to work and back to life...think i should maybe visit the parental units tonight. I need some reasons and im racking my brain
posted by Fauxmosexual at 2:35 AM
3 Comments:
um...WOW. I don't even think you know me, but my name is Matt and I have checked in on your blog over the past few weeks.
I won't even try to say I know what you are going through...because I am sure I don't. I do know, though, that I have had a lot of the same thoughts. Through most of my life I have been diagnosed with manic depression, something that runs in my family. I learned, through that, that no one can understand what you are feeling, but can believe you when you speak it.
When I was at my lowest point, it honestly was a stranger that saved me. I talked to them about things I wouldn't even talk to my therapist about because I didn't have to see them face to face.
I don't know if this will mean as much to you as it did to me, but you can e-mail me or AIM me if you want. I am a good listener...even thought I might tell you your shit is out of whack, lol.
I find it surprising, but you and I are more alike than I ever thought by reading your blog.
Here if you need me.
e-mail: mcmillin@gmail.com
AIM: StructureExpress
(I only put this in your comments because I couldn't find your e-mail address. Feel free to delete this after you read it...just know that I meant it.)
Hi friend.
Listen, this post devastates me. Mostly because if you do read my journal and go back a bit, you'll find that I have written about this exact same thing many times. And I also know that when someone says they understand, I always feel like they couldn't possibly get how I truly feel.
Just know that feeling this low and entertaining thoughts of suicide IS common and you are never alone. It is so hard to find that one thing in your life that is going to turn everything around and make it better. Alot of times we think it will be in a boyfriend, but unfortunately, it's mostly found within yourself.
I have been in therapy for over a month now and I've been seeing the positive results almost immediately. I think it's incredibly brave and strong of you to re-enter therapy and I hope that you have found someone that you identify with and can learn to grow through.
I feel the exact same way about the gay community. It's hard to not fit in there because without it what kind of community do we have? The straight community? Hardly.
Please understand that there are guys like you out there (me) who prefer to look good, have fun, be proud and NOT fall into the stereotypes that so many gay men succumb too. Suck cum. hahaha. sorry.
I find your blog to be incredibly interesting and entertaining. You have so much to say and I just wish you could find the time to say some more. Often it can be a truly cathartic release of emotion. Especially since you're talking to no one in particular, but still getting out of your head for a moment.
If you EVER want to talk, you email me immediately. I'm a great listener and since I don't know you personally, I would never judge you or criticize you for anything.
Also, I've been in the drug scene for a while myself and I find it to be the most perfect escape. It's the one time when my mind isn't working over time. But you and I both know that that isn't a healthy or productive way to get better. However, if you decide to put some fun dust up your nose, no one is looking down on you for that. We ALL cope in our own ways. Whether it be over-eating, having random sex, doing drugs, or cutting ourselves. You are no different than anyone else that deals with depression.
Much love to you my man. And please...if you ever do get to the point of acting out on one of those scary "I'm going to drive my car into a tree" thoughts, contact me first. We can cry together.
Just checking in on you. Hope you are doing better. Miss you around these parts. :)
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