So alone forever, eh? (I'm Canadian)

I've come to the dreary conclusion that I am going to be single for the rest of my sad days on this dreadful earth.

Why bother working out all the time and buying the best clothes and looking great and feeling great? I mean really there is no hope for me. I am so disenchanted.

Like most homosexuals I know they blame their geographical location for the lack of men. Is this really the reason because I dont think so. I know there are tons of homos in this city and unfortunately none for me. I have an interesting offer to become a third with a super hot couple. Thats the last thing I need though I think. I would end up falling for just one of them and then Id be jealous and pissed and even more disenchanted then I am now.

Whats wrong with me really though? I am so fucking sick of hearing that people are interested in me but I seem snobby and like I dont want to talk when Im out at the bar or in public period. Im so bloody extroverted that I, and my friends, find that interesting. I do have an aire of confidence less cockiness but still who are these fucking wimps.

Could I be a fuckin wimp too? I just assume that guys dont want me if they dont make eye contact or attempt to chat or anything. I hang around with some pretty beautiful people at the bar...that could be killing my game too. Lastly I know that Im a horny fool who hook ups when the itch is there...this makes me a whore and unavailable??

I have some pics up on a myspace if anyone...if anyone reads this....would like to see them. I hope to god someone can just tell me I'm ridiculously fat and unattractive and then I will know why im lonely. Im so sick of not having a boyfriend..its been about 3 years since I had a concrete one.

I think I broke it

All day yesterday tired as hell. Decided to go to the gym and have a killer workout. It didnt restore my energy and it made me feel somewhat better. I had arranged a hookup for after the gym because I figured that would be cool and the guy was 18 and ridiculously hot, really, I didnt know we had guys like that here. He lives in residence at school in a solo room so thats where i went. I wasnt sure about going because by the time I got going from the gym and then home and then got weed I had no time to eat. All i had all day was some coffee..lots of coffee.

Arriving at his dorm he opens the door and is actually ten times better looking then his pic. His body is broad and solid..square like a hockey player. His voice is a lil more feminine then I like but he is...dare I say..intimidatingly handsome. 6'0" tall black shaggy hair square cut sold body with no visible fat, perfect ass, nice clothes.

We go in and I look around the dismal room that he has called home for a year. He makes me nervous. We get high, smoke a few more bowls and lay down to watch a movie. His hands are all over me and he is rubbing and caressing. We are both hard and stand up and take off our clothes.

He stands up to put on some music and I cant help myself. Following his cock I start sucking him off as he is working on finding some tunes on the comp. His cock tastes amazing and is fresh and so incredibly hard. Pushing him back on to the bed I go to town on his cock and him on mine. I cant get enough of his and its wayy bigger then he described.

Here is where the problem arises. I can't perform. There is nothing happening. Its turtled entirely. Its not there. Its barely there. It may as well not be there. I can barely feel it. I have no penis. So I think about getting embarassed and decide against it, no doubt I am dying inside though. THIS KID IS HOT. Nothing happens. I can't believe it.

He fucks me and I ride him out. Staring down at this gorgeous kid. Still not hard.

Kid has serious skills...at 18 that makes me a bit nervous. He fucks me harder and harder. Still nothing.

I get off of him and lay on my back. He rips off the condom and wipes himself off and starts beating off straddling my neck. His cock in. MY. FACE. I love that.

This works and he starts shaking and I'm jerking off and I start shaking and he cums in my mouth on my tongue and all over my face. I shoot a load right onto the small of his back and it drips down his (perfect) ass.

So we're all done and we clean off and he starts telling me about his hometown (which is actually the wealthiest city in Canada) and how he is excited to go home and how he used to star in this song and dance thing. Thinking hmmm song and dance eh? It was bloody amazing and it was this show that they put on once a year for ten days str8 every night. Fuckin amazing cirque de soleil dance cross with singing. Im not into broadway but this was amazing and there was an audience of 400,00...he had solos...lots. Hence his amazing body. Which judging by the dvd his body was even more amazing a year ago. He was a funny kid with a good sense of humor and snappy rebuttles with lots of sarcasm. The kind of person i'd be friends with if he didnt move home in a couple of weeks. I get the feeling he may be at an interesting point drug and sex wise though....the same point I was at when I was 18...umm 19....umm 18-23. Its a long point ok?

Now to the boner issues. I have the following suspected reasons and I WOULD LOVE FEEDBACK ON THIS BECAUSE I AM WORRIED AND HARDLY SLEPT THINKING ABOUT IT err...a lil concerned.

1. I barely ate at all yesterday and was ridiculously tired all day.

2. I drank tons of coffee

3. When I ride the upright exercise bike...just as of the last few weeks..my entire package falls asleep for like 20 mins after...this is somewhat worrisome.

4. I was super high and this kid was so hot I was in shock....expecting the typical hot but not this hot.

This isnt the first time its happened. I get a fair amount of action and once a year or so it happens...at least thats when it happens when im with someone. It happens more often when im alone...Im worried about it...hmmm. I may make a doctors appt but I know he is just gonna tell me too relax. Nope no more relaxing.

Worried that I'm broken.

Caffeine Inspired. . .curved cocks & Propaganda

On not a very fun note...I read this guys blog and I like it and thought he seems like a great guy. He always has relatively intelligent content and he's cute. Recently he took a stab at Canada. Now while I am aware of the many problems Canada has I found the one that he brought up ridiculous. I think I may have taken it out on him when in fact I am angry at mass media.

The US media focused on the seal clubbing that our country allows way up north. While I do find it disgusting, it pretty much fits in with hunting as a whole. Maybe there should be more focus on the fenced game reserves that Dick Cheney and his cronies have been frequenting for years. Or maybe the media should not be such fucking suckers...i.e mediums to spread propaganda and focus less our cute dead seals and more on the thousands of innocent and guilty that are dying in Iraq. I'm just fascinated how everyone allows their attention to be diverted from the war. Its obvious the war is NOT working out according to plan and thus the coalition gov'ts want less focus on it. Why not send a brit celeb to Canada? That way the UK and the US media will shift focus away from the charred bodies of Iraqi civilians onto the poor cute baby seals that are clubbed. This world is fuckin ridiculous and as are the suckers who have dedicated actual face time to this issue. Prioritize people!

Now onto something that will at least spark some sexual interest.

My best friend J and I have been best friends for years. He is str8 and was dating a close friend of mine when we met. We all partied together in this huge apt I had in a trendy area. It was 5 years ago and I have since lost track of everyone except J. We see eachother a few times a week and I get along well and hang out with him and his girlfriend every chance I get. Here's where it gets complicated.

Years ago in my old pad I used alot of drugs and drank alot. I did all of this with J. We got messed up and messed around many times. Me sucking him off and him jerking me off while kissing me slowly and teasing the tip of my cock with his tongue. It was hot but we both had spouses who were friends and it was not goood. Plus I was cheating on my hot as hell bf at the time with all his "str8" friends and all of theirs. I slept with every guy in our clique. Dirty I know. HOT..hells yes it was. We stopped but still flirt to this day and I love J madly...just cant have him. I think he may be gay but grew up christian fundamentalist so may be just fucked up for the rest of his days. Sad but true.

Just the two of us were out for lunch the other day and started talking about cock size. We were both appalled at the fact that we each thought we had bigger cocks. It was settled that mine was way thicker and his 1 inch longer with a curve. I love his curve. HOT. Anyways it is getting hot and heavy with us. Everytime we are alone there is stress and sexual tension and we find some excuse to talk about when we used to fuck around (which his current gf knows about) and to look at porno and talk about jerking off. Ridiculous as it is I want him bad, worse then usual and I think he may be reciprocating.

He has also been bringing up the fact that I resent his current gf. I make no secret that I would love to be with J for the rest of my life and fuck his brains out 24/7. We hug and cuddle and will do anything on earth for eachother whenever its needed. I always wonder how threatened his gf must feel. We were out the other day shopping and ran into a friend who told us we were "meant for eachother". I agreed and just said "Sadly J isnt gay yet." He just smiles and giggles and hugs my shoulders. Christ.

I am avoiding him for a bit until my spring sex drive goes away. He's so fuckin hot though.

I love my str8 boyfriend. God help me.

Aesthetic Sin of Hotness

Why oh why am I stricken with such a burden? I'm not being the usual pompous asshole but rather stating facts. As I have been told today by two gay boys, I'm intimidating with my aire of confidence. Hells to the yeah I be intimidating I guess....or maybe you slack jawed yokals just don't have any sense of presence. They agreed. I wonder if I miss out some decent ass because I appear confident or in homo terms...standoffish.

School is busting my nuts and not in a good way at all...although periodically between classes I step into the bathroom for some relief...just because I sit behind this guy who has amazing triceps and they turn me on. He's latin with nice arms. As opposed to Latin with full body hair (You guys seen that family??? I saw them on discovery the other night). Aside from this boner inducing latin stud I have so much bloody schoolwork to do. I am writing papers on environmental ethics, Prohibition and Argentinas Economic Disaster. All interesting topics, for example, (par "ejemplo" for my spanish readers) why oh why did Argentina decide that they could just pay off their debt by making a whole bunch of new money? Si, senor we can just take this paper and put pictures on it and we will be debt free. Swift. Really swift. This people is why Chi-chis mexican restaurant was successful and Marias Argentinian Food Hut was not. Poor business sense.

I love all people down there. Beneath me. I mean Beneath Canada. Not me. Or?

This weekend I am gonna have me a trophy fuck in between studying and writing papers and various states of predjudice. I think I will just find the prettiest boy I can and have sex with him. Id prefer a silver fox as I have been having this mad lust for a muscle daddy. I may even be into roleplay. Am I sick? My dad and I get along well but I dont want a piece of him. Maybe I'm sick. I don't think so. I like variety. My friend went to a tricks house last week and was wrapped in saran wrap with his cock out and a straw to breath and he was bitten and sucked and slapped. He liked it but thats a bit much for me. Wayyy to much actually. Even though I was playing a lil when he called to tell me the story. I am sick.

On the gym front, which I'm sure is of no interest to anyone but me. I have bumped up cardio to 1 hr 6 times a week. I am doing a serious chest/back program that makes me feel physically handicapped in the morning. On the up side I am so horny that I guess I am a physically handicapped person that masturbates excessively, as they all do I assume. What would it be like if you were retarded and couldn't enjoy a good session snapping one off to Golden Girls? I bet they like Golden Girls. Retarded people that is. Although I can't be sure. But i have my suspicions.

I should be saying impaired. My mom would be mad that I'm not not calling retards impaired. She's a social worker. What's an impaired retard I wonder? Huh MOM?! HUH!! Thought so. Hugs.

Feeling nuts from no smoking and no drinking. I just re read that sentence and realize the stupidity of it. Tonight I will drink and smoke. Lots. While jerking off to Golden Girls. Hot.

On a side note I often jerk off to UFC. I like the roughness. I. Am.Sick.

Im neurotic and tired but so awake its sick. I should go do something or at least think of something to decent to write in here..ill go screw an ugly. They are always good for stories.

Id say that's a decent end to a date

Pls excuse all errors as I am writing this between clients. In a serious fucking rush is what I mean.

Interesting last few days. It's been hectic as all hell and school is driving me nuts. Thank christ above for weed. Amen

The dude i was seeing and I are no longer. He is young and so obviously full of angst. Poor bastard but this is the way life goes. He msgs me now and says he is so typical and full of angst but he doesn't want people to treat him like he is 19. He is just like me at 19 which is odd. He doesn't have the e/coke/viagra/booze induced stories. We grow up in different ways. Somewhat comforted by the fact that he seemingly had an easy time coming out and was easily accepted and still turned out equally as fucked up as I was. It just cost me more. Drugs are expensive. I often miss cocaine.

Working out alot and becoming very happy with how small my waist is getting and how huge my muscles are getting. Im working out so fucking hard that this summer i will be fuckin cut. Too bad ill be in classes and working when im not in class...at least ill enjoy looking at myself in the mirror every morning.

Went on two dates last week.

DATE 1

Went out with this huge guy. He is my height (6'3") but everything about him is huge...like huge...his hands feet head hair. He has no social skills. He is bright though but dresses like a fuckin bum. I hate it when people dress like fuckin bums. I insist on at least nice clothing. I am confused by people who look like shit. Even my poverty stricken friends (i.e students) look hot in just getting decent vintage buys or the plain white t shirt with nice jeans...really people. I suffer the problem of being born into privilege and then once i was old enough to work my parents thought it would be a good idea to buy all my own clothes. I do. It costs me a fuckin fortune. I look great. I rule...interesting how this turned into all about me....yes date sucked....yes i dress well and am not flaming...its possible....americans seem to be much better at it then us here in canada....we need some gay drone stores i guess no matter how much i despise them (PAC SUN, A&F, American Eagle, Hollister, Structure) All shit stores but they make people presentable. Im a snob. thus is life.

DATE 2

Been sleeping with this guy J for years. I think it has been about 6 years and its nice and fun and casual and I like him. We have attempted to date...i.e he has asked me out and I have cancelled on him 6 times....not once a year but almost all of the times last year. We went out. I asked as he is obviously interesting and I consider myself a humanitarian and quite obviously a bastard. We went out for chinese...he's jewish so i knew chinese was the way to go. It was great. We loved it and ate it...I didnt eat much because i wanted to get nailed and didnt want his cock covered in noodles. Gross but savvy, non?

We had booked a swanky hotel for after but I wanted a fire really badly and the only place with a fireplace was 380 a night. Its been 6 years and I have spent nothin on this handsome punk, why start now? My parents house is massive and is sadly where I reside (hey at least until school is done). They were up in their room watching PBS or "MEET THE PRESS" repeats. They love that shit. We went into the living room I lit a fire in the huge fireplace and laid a brown fur blanket down in front. It was hot if i do say so myself. We were immediately all over eachother then I took a breakk to smoke a huge reefer and drink some wine.

Upon returning from said reefer i grabbed him by the back of his neck and pulled his head towards mine...stopping just when his lips are grazing mine. Gently pulling his bottom lip forward and sucking on it while lifting him up by his perfect bubble butt. Gripped around my waist now I pushed him back and pulled his shirt and sucked and bit his nipple hard..hard enough to feel some shaking in his knees.

Laying him on his back on the blanket with just the light from the fire shining on him. I cant even explain how in awe i was staring at his smooth milky white flesh with the warm light on the fire. Needless to say I had us both stripped in seconds and my precum covered cock tracing his tight ass. My nipple piercings have been out for a few weeks now and he went to town sucking on them, it was something I have never felt and I liked.

Laying on my back we 69 with him on top and me pulling his cock deep into my throat, I get so hard when im being choked on a cock, him grinding his ass and cock toward deeper into my mouth while i moan and jerk drops of precum onto his lips.

The accessibility of a boys ass when 69'ing in this position is perfect, It allows one to tell if its good to go or not. It was definitely good to go and i licked his ass while squeezing his cock for precum and using it to lube up my fingers. Once his ass was primed I moved him forward with his face towards the hot fire and staring at the fire slipped a condom on my cock and lubed his asss further.

Taking my cock in hand I pushed the head in. I could see the sweat on his forehead and i could feel it on my abs. Facing the fire caused us to have this crazy heat yet shivers from the initial thrust of my cock head. He squirmed alot and i had to muffle his crys by leaning in and putting my finger in the side of his mouth for him to bit and suck on. Thank god I have long arms and he is short...made for some decent compatibility as usual.

Drilling him for awhile I just wanted to suck more cock. Its nice for a bttm like myself to top here and there but I was drooling over tasting some cock and deepthroating until i could barely breathe. I pulled out hard and then just for fun went all the way back in. He wanted to kill me but it was a decent laugh.

I fell back with my knees bent and back arched and he shoved his cock in my mouth hard, I had to grip his knees, he was standing and shaking. I sucked it so hard that he came all over my face while i jerked myself to orgasm shooting up and all over his ass crack.

Smoked a cig and I drove him home.

Over all i would say Date 2 was more successful. It was sweaty and safe. Safe is nice. I like safe. I have had lots of unsafe back in the day. I better head to the urinals and then back to work.