Fuck light hearted
So this was supposed to be light hearted and a nice relaxing diary. Fuck. That. Noise.
Im miserable as hell and im so fucking sick of being up and then down and its driving me nuts. The funny thing is that I thought I could shake it. No such luck.
Driving in my car I often fantasize about dropping it into 2nd and redlining myself straight into a tree or off the side of a bridge. I thought this was normal. Maybe therein lies the problem.
Talking to friends about it finally. Not normal. Who knew?
Where is my place in the world or gaydom..do I even have a place. Im too masculine to be accepted by the homo's of this city. Im not attracted to feminine guys who live their gayness. Im gay. It's a small part of who i am. I am Adam. I am gay. Not vice versa. Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life because really..thats how it is feeling. I used to think...fuck...its just a matter of time and ill find someone perfect. Someone that I am willing to make compromises over and so will he. Its not that im looking for Mr Perfect but i am looking for a Mr. and not Mrs as many homos seem to be convinced they are.
So many people from my neighborhood have killed themselves within the past...well as long as I can remember..someone different is always dead. Neighbor from down the street just about 6 months ago. Former aquintance and dude from down the stree just about 2 months ago. Best friends brother just a few years ago. Cousins Uncle from other side a few years ago...the list goes on and on. Money doesnt buy happiness. They were all loaded...and now they are all dead.
I place a fair amount of emphasis on retail therapy. Ill blow 250 on a crazy sweatshirt and ill feel better. Great now all i have is this sweatshirt to look good and cry in. FUCK.
I made the mistake of telling my mom that im having a really hard time with life. I always have and she knows that. It's up and down.
Ive been a cocaine and X animal in the past and made it through that. Although i dabble every few months. I see a shrink and have for umpteen years. Im going to start regular this thursday.
I want to be able to function. Being on the brink of tears all the time is near fucking killing me. I dont want to cry and I dont usually. Im so unhappy and I dont know how to fix it. I want to walk out of work and sit in bed and smoke cigarettes...scratch that. I just want to be dead or at least asleep until all this angst has blown over.
To be old would be nice. Then life would be over with and I could be that much closer to death. I wouldnt have to worry about anything anymore and it would just be done. I would so much closer to being finished. Finished with worrying. Finished with guilt about stupid shit. Finished with school. Finished. Like dead. Im trying really hard to convince myself its not a good idea to kill myself, im finding it increasingly difficult as the days go on. Less and less reasons. I think too much.
I used to tell myself that i am too much of a pussy to do it.
Im getting to the point where the idea doesnt seem that extreme anymore and it makes me...well...sad...why do i have to feel like this?
No friend can cheer me up. Nothing really can. Im really worried. I hope to christ i tough it out long enough to get over this. It's really tiring though. Im so fuckin tired.
Back to work and back to life...think i should maybe visit the parental units tonight. I need some reasons and im racking my brain
Im miserable as hell and im so fucking sick of being up and then down and its driving me nuts. The funny thing is that I thought I could shake it. No such luck.
Driving in my car I often fantasize about dropping it into 2nd and redlining myself straight into a tree or off the side of a bridge. I thought this was normal. Maybe therein lies the problem.
Talking to friends about it finally. Not normal. Who knew?
Where is my place in the world or gaydom..do I even have a place. Im too masculine to be accepted by the homo's of this city. Im not attracted to feminine guys who live their gayness. Im gay. It's a small part of who i am. I am Adam. I am gay. Not vice versa. Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life because really..thats how it is feeling. I used to think...fuck...its just a matter of time and ill find someone perfect. Someone that I am willing to make compromises over and so will he. Its not that im looking for Mr Perfect but i am looking for a Mr. and not Mrs as many homos seem to be convinced they are.
So many people from my neighborhood have killed themselves within the past...well as long as I can remember..someone different is always dead. Neighbor from down the street just about 6 months ago. Former aquintance and dude from down the stree just about 2 months ago. Best friends brother just a few years ago. Cousins Uncle from other side a few years ago...the list goes on and on. Money doesnt buy happiness. They were all loaded...and now they are all dead.
I place a fair amount of emphasis on retail therapy. Ill blow 250 on a crazy sweatshirt and ill feel better. Great now all i have is this sweatshirt to look good and cry in. FUCK.
I made the mistake of telling my mom that im having a really hard time with life. I always have and she knows that. It's up and down.
Ive been a cocaine and X animal in the past and made it through that. Although i dabble every few months. I see a shrink and have for umpteen years. Im going to start regular this thursday.
I want to be able to function. Being on the brink of tears all the time is near fucking killing me. I dont want to cry and I dont usually. Im so unhappy and I dont know how to fix it. I want to walk out of work and sit in bed and smoke cigarettes...scratch that. I just want to be dead or at least asleep until all this angst has blown over.
To be old would be nice. Then life would be over with and I could be that much closer to death. I wouldnt have to worry about anything anymore and it would just be done. I would so much closer to being finished. Finished with worrying. Finished with guilt about stupid shit. Finished with school. Finished. Like dead. Im trying really hard to convince myself its not a good idea to kill myself, im finding it increasingly difficult as the days go on. Less and less reasons. I think too much.
I used to tell myself that i am too much of a pussy to do it.
Im getting to the point where the idea doesnt seem that extreme anymore and it makes me...well...sad...why do i have to feel like this?
No friend can cheer me up. Nothing really can. Im really worried. I hope to christ i tough it out long enough to get over this. It's really tiring though. Im so fuckin tired.
Back to work and back to life...think i should maybe visit the parental units tonight. I need some reasons and im racking my brain
posted by Fauxmosexual at 2:35 AM
3 comments
