one back 2 forward

Spent a ton of time deciding what to do. I dumped my bf of two years yesterday because he is not totally out. He has one group of friends that dont know.

I decided against it. I guess its about compromise. I want to meet his friends, at least one of them. He said I can. We will go out for drinks.

He has his seperate group of friends, I need to spend more time alone with my friends.

I need to take one step back so he can take one forward and catch up.

Where do i go now

I wake up sad. I wake up sad alot.

Not knowing what to do. It's a constant rejection for me. Love him but resent him soo much.

What will I do without him though? I dont want to be who I was before, I'm scared shitless that I will become who I was before. Im scared ill die.

Im so sick of being sad. I am so sick of waking up with tears in my eyes.

I hate seeing him feel bad. I hate making him feel bad by feeling bad myself. I hate it but I really cant handle the thought of eliminating him from my life. What do I hate more? WHo do i hate more is a better question I guess.

Worry about him. I always worry about him. He came here for school, has friends here, fell in love here. We spend so much time together. We help eachother so much. He is clearly my best friend and I tell him everything.

Little things like last night. I didnt know he had plans with these people. He didnt tell me he did. Makes me extra weary everytime he keeps something stupid from me. why not tell me.

Cumming in my ass, at least your intent is clear

Its been so long, I dont know where to start. Life kind of seemed to wrap itself up. Graduated from University. Have a boyfriend I love that is semi in the closet. Feel like I have alienated the entire gay community of this fucking city. Work is good. I'm still lonely. Didnt take long for the synopsis.

Dating a boy in the closet makes me feel like a slut mistress. I dont know how many people do this, I highly advise against it.

To his friends I dont exist.
To his friends he is single.
TO his friends I am nothing, to him I am supposed to mean so much.

Don't fucking patronize me.

Everytime he goes somewhere I was jealous. I am getting better. How long can I do this for though.

I have this urge to be fucked like I used to. Fucked and used by some stranger. Fucked and used by someone that i KNOW does not care about me.

Care about fucking me.
Care about cumming on my face.
Care about leaving me with your cum dripping out of my ass and never "care" about me again.

At least it's full disclosure.

Tempted to cheat these days. Tempted every day. Knowing I could get fucked so hard my head would spin. Tastes have changed...I yearn to be fucked by a bear that will just use me and have no regard for me. I want to grip onto the sides of my mattress. I want my ass in the air and I want to be pounded bare back. I want to whimper as I'm getting fucked and beg for more. I want loud grunts as he cums in my ass and then collapses his sweaty body onto me...his dick gradually just falling out of my ass.

Youth brought an enamour with bareback. Wondering why I am so enamoured again. Do I want to kill myself. I might.

Am I not as lost as I think i am. Will having empty random sex with strangers make me happy again.

What is it going to take?