Sad rich folk and stablehands

I dont know what it was about last night but I was so bizzarely calm. I guess I liked it. I can attribute it, perhaps, to the fact that it is getting warm outside and i set up the deck with the chairs and umbrella and such. Sitting drinking white (only when its warm outside) wine (and only riesling cuz im a slut to sweet) and smoking cigarettes is so relaxing.

Periodically I sit there and have these odd moments of clarity. A friend of mine had a nervous breakdown...no the hahaha kind...but the lock em up and let em rock in place on the floor kind. She is okay now and switched her anti-depression meds up but she is still such a sick puppy. Usually too woozy to talk or to fucked up to be coherent.

There is a long list of friends i have who are seemingly falling apart...at least their family and personal lives are. Of all the friends I had, who were wealthy or at least VERY comfortable to say the least, almost all of them are watching life as they know it crumble. Its de bloody pressing but almost knocks me into shape....I always thought I had less then everyone during my youth. My friends families were spending more living more lavishly and I was jealous. I was by no means hard done by..exactly oppposite...i just didnt understand extravagance or the notion that things are not what they appear. To sum it up I feel guilty for envying people who were unhappy...who were broke and stressed...who could have used a better friend.

Whilst sitting at home late last night I decided to log on to gay.com and look around. All of us are of course familiar with "looking around". We are of course familiar with the fact that I wasnt just chilling outside of my school shooting some beeball when a couple of guys....I digress. Iwas horny.

SUCCESS...there was a prime piece of ass online and he had pets. Note to the unseasoned hoe. Guys with pets are normally nice and thus increase their chance of repeats or eventual partner status. Would I like to go in your new Hotub? Why sure, only because its new though otherwise i would stay at home and watch A&E.

Get to the guys house midnightish and its warm outside but a lil chilly wind. Walk in and look around. Smells faintly of dog which is simple laziness. Then i see them. Three HUGE dogs come barreling towrds me. I love dogs so i lean down a bit and put out my palms and they come and lick and hug and try to jump. One rottweiler sharpei cross...THE CUTEST EVER. One ageing black lab with grey chin hair..SO CUTE...one other mutt also SOOO CUTE.

Im not content and would marry this guy on the spot if he cleaned more. He is a blacksmith and rides and works with horses. I love it. He used to ride with some friends of mine and attented the same country club as me while growing up.

We both get naked and head out to the hot tub. Beers in hand sitting chilling in the hotub talking about exactly what i was saying earlier...the sad disfunction of the richest people we both knew.
He moves over and clummsily grabs me. Im up on that so fast and riding his leg while he is lounging back in the hotub...kissing his neck licking condensation off his exposed chest.

Thank god for the chilly breeze because it kept my nipples super hard and he was gnawing on them while jerking my cock.

I wanna go inside.

Fight my way past dogs who I'm pretty sure are trying to lick my hardon and into the bedroom. Throw him on his back and suck his cock until all i can taste is precum and the beer from before.

I ask "You fuck?"

Yes he did and my head bounced off the wall and off the bed and i was sweaty and grinding and riding and thrown around and so sweaty and sore.

The thing that was interestin is he said he wanted to get rid of these crappy condoms before opening the new ones. Umm sorry am i not worth the new ones.

His eyes bugged out of his head while i lay him back and rode him. I think i would have been worth it. I had to bite my tongue not to ask him to pull of the condom and cum in my ass.

I didnt ask although i wanted it so bad.

He threw me on my back and fucked me like a jackhammer and i came on his chin and chest. He pulled out and came on my sweaty chest and mixed it around.

I left and went home. Work is over and i wanna go home. SOrry for writing so simply.

Holy fuck im nuts

Am i Bi-polar or just nuts in general?

Sitting here thinking about the entry I just wrote. What the fuck am I whining about? I bought Alligator shoes...for wayyy too much...dont ask its obscene. I have clothes that could easily rival the rich and famous. I have gotten myself into this whole and all in all life isnt that bad.

I need to smarten up and no doubt just cut up the fucking card and pay it off slowly. Things could be way worse...wayyyy worse...poor lil rich kid (formerly me until i was cut off) is going to have to stop shopping and eating out every bloody day. Fuck. FINE.

Im so nuts it drives me nuttier...vicious cycle!

Debt relief

I'm absoluetely flipping out. I am practically going nuts and am not sure what to do. I would not only appreciate but hopefully benefit from any advice on this...pls kids.

My debt is too big and its making me nervous...very nervous. I can't sleep anymore and its all I think about..ever. Sad? Yeah I think so.

My credit card which has a 6100 limit is at 4500 and thats trouble. I dont know how to pay it off or really how it got this bad. I spent the money prior to reducing my workload at workplace. I had no choice but to reduce it for school purposes and these purposes still exist as I am continuing to educate throughout summer...so i be fucked.

My creditline which I hardly give a shit about is maxed and no room for an increase. I owe 6000 on that and make payments here and there but nothing too extreme as I have such a ridiculously low interest rate.

I feel like such a fuckin dork writing this shit out but I need some kind of piece of mind. I really dont want this garbage to get in the way of my studies.

What to do?

-Cut up said Creditcard and weep uncontrollably at this...must be done.
-Establish a payment plan with myself for creditcard..i was thinking minimum 500 a month and maybe more if i can afford it
-Kill myself and thank god I have all that loss of life insurance on my loans
-Sell my car which I have a decent amount of equity in and then have parents witness it and almost kill me for getting into that kind of debt while living at home.
-Ask brother who has money to give me some
-Suck it up because relatively speaking I am still kicking all my friends' asses when it comes to debt..i.e no student loans...no rent
-Go over and over monthly bills...CAR 300...INSURANCE 130....GYM 40..CELL PHONE 80
-Kill Myself now because I still hate the debt so much it hurts
-Get a student line of credit and pay off credit card and enjoy low interest rate again and have more control. I think this is what I have to do.
-Become a rent boy and pay everything off super fast but die inside slowly trick by trick

So as a note to myself..which is really all this shitty is about...I will apply for a student line of credit on Tuesday...my day off...after my exam. SHoot me. If i get refused for said SLOC I will simply suck it up and pay off the cc slowly...or become a hoe.

I hate this.

Nuked

My entire entry just got nuked. I'm pissed

Claire Voyant

Sigh... I have decided to be grumpy today and maybe fix my attention on this gorgeous guy I see at school all the time and we make eye contact and stare and in my caffeine induced hysteria I end up looking away and then he is gone...instantly. It happens all the bloody time and its like i am in a bad movie with him. Ill be talking to someone else while staring at him barely interested in what im saying and then he is gone. Where does he go? Where do they hide?

I was reading an entry of a fellow blogger and read that they had gone to have their palms read/tea leaves/ cards...they all fall in the same boat. Having my palms read best fall right into the right place right time theory or else they may be covered in ummm lonely juice. Im confident that if i was to go get some mumbo jumbo done that I would be told I will be alone forever and should stop obsessing over my appearance. I was fat like 7 yrs ago so I will never stop obsessing and certainly I dont want to be told what I already know, I will be alone forever. Funn. Maybe Im a clairvoyant. If i was a tranny hoe I would be called Claire Voyant. I like it lots and think Im real smart now. Real. Smart. Like. I added the like to sound more like a hick. More. Hick. Like. U read? Amen.

On the boy front I think things are relatively quiet but then again I always seem to forget the odd rendez vous...obviously they didnt have a major presence that required remembering. I am finding however that my "bear" hookup that I have almost every week seems to be my favorite except when he talks. He talks dirty which is well done in the heat of the moment but stammers like a retard after he gets off...which turns me off. He has a husband and I would never date him but his hairy beefy body gets me goin and he takes control. Why do people assume because im a giant that i want to be in control? So wrong. Im not slave boy material but i like a lil dominance in both parties...where is the line. I dont want to give instructions..i want them just TO KNOW like big dumb guy always does.

Im having a hard time getting turned on by younger twink guys or even younger masculine guys. What is happening to me? Am I goin to be that guy that digs older guys who treat me like shit during sex but worship me any other time. I have two boys that worship me now and are BEAUTIFUL inside and out but I dont think they fit my type anymore...so i am mean to them and break dates like a complete fucking asshole. I think im projecting. I am pretty sure I want to be treated like shit. Thats fucked up. What deeper issues do I have and should i start seeing my shrink again??? Why must i not know what I want and therefore get nothing? Mother of christ help me out or if you cant, can i get a referral?