Identifying nowhere. Lost always.

one back 2 forward

2008-06-30T11:02:00.004-05:00

Spent a ton of time deciding what to do. I dumped my bf of two years yesterday because he is not totally out. He has one group of friends that dont know.

I decided against it. I guess its about compromise. I want to meet his friends, at least one of them. He said I can. We will go out for drinks.

He has his seperate group of friends, I need to spend more time alone with my friends.

I need to take one step back so he can take one forward and catch up.

Where do i go now

2008-06-29T10:45:00.003-05:00

I wake up sad. I wake up sad alot.

Not knowing what to do. It's a constant rejection for me. Love him but resent him soo much.

What will I do without him though? I dont want to be who I was before, I'm scared shitless that I will become who I was before. Im scared ill die.

Im so sick of being sad. I am so sick of waking up with tears in my eyes.

I hate seeing him feel bad. I hate making him feel bad by feeling bad myself. I hate it but I really cant handle the thought of eliminating him from my life. What do I hate more? WHo do i hate more is a better question I guess.

Worry about him. I always worry about him. He came here for school, has friends here, fell in love here. We spend so much time together. We help eachother so much. He is clearly my best friend and I tell him everything.

Little things like last night. I didnt know he had plans with these people. He didnt tell me he did. Makes me extra weary everytime he keeps something stupid from me. why not tell me.

Cumming in my ass, at least your intent is clear

2008-06-29T10:07:00.000-05:00

Its been so long, I dont know where to start. Life kind of seemed to wrap itself up. Graduated from University. Have a boyfriend I love that is semi in the closet. Feel like I have alienated the entire gay community of this fucking city. Work is good. I'm still lonely. Didnt take long for the synopsis.

Dating a boy in the closet makes me feel like a slut mistress. I dont know how many people do this, I highly advise against it.

To his friends I dont exist.
To his friends he is single.
TO his friends I am nothing, to him I am supposed to mean so much.

Don't fucking patronize me.

Everytime he goes somewhere I was jealous. I am getting better. How long can I do this for though.

I have this urge to be fucked like I used to. Fucked and used by some stranger. Fucked and used by someone that i KNOW does not care about me.

Care about fucking me.
Care about cumming on my face.
Care about leaving me with your cum dripping out of my ass and never "care" about me again.

At least it's full disclosure.

Tempted to cheat these days. Tempted every day. Knowing I could get fucked so hard my head would spin. Tastes have changed...I yearn to be fucked by a bear that will just use me and have no regard for me. I want to grip onto the sides of my mattress. I want my ass in the air and I want to be pounded bare back. I want to whimper as I'm getting fucked and beg for more. I want loud grunts as he cums in my ass and then collapses his sweaty body onto me...his dick gradually just falling out of my ass.

Youth brought an enamour with bareback. Wondering why I am so enamoured again. Do I want to kill myself. I might.

Am I not as lost as I think i am. Will having empty random sex with strangers make me happy again.

What is it going to take?

SCHOOL

2006-07-25T13:09:00.000-05:00

I registered for summer school and have been doing that at night while working during the day. I have no spare time. Ever. Life is brutal...brutally busy at least.

So i should have been getting them all this time???!!!???

2006-05-16T11:50:00.000-05:00

Where have I been??!!?? Where have I been??!!?? Where have you been?!!!? Sitting right there eh? Deadbeats.

Just kidding kiddos. How is life?

I'm doing well but I am busy as a slut on a saturday night. I am working like a dog at work everyday...no more weekends though!!! I am going to school for 8 hours a week taking three intensive spring courses. I am working the odd saturday to help out some friends...moreso to buy booze for myself. Spare booze money is like free booze...does that make any sense?

Dating an architecture student...getting his masters..almost done! 33 and gorgeous and talented and sickly intelligent but obscenely funny. He also gives the most amazing head ive ever had. That helps too!

This guy is amazing and i dont wanna jinx it just yet but there are definitely some fun sex stores that will flow soon.

We sat and talked last night about the fact that I have this girlfriend who recently broke up with her bf because he wasnt doing well in the sack. She didnt give any pointers and just wanted him to know what to do her. This has made me nervous so I told him exactly what i like. On date 4. I blushed alot.

Heres what i like. . .

- I turned his head away as i was blushing. Cuddling on the porch loveseat I had to hold his cheek to keep him from looking at me while i tell him. . .I wanna get pounded with my face buried in the pillow.

- I want to be on my back getting my face fucked while you hold the back of my head onto your cock

- I want you to talk as dirty as you can while u drill my mouth and pound my ass feeling my neck strain to retain composure.

- I want to hear you cumming as loud as you can and the sputtered breaths and shakes

All went well and he laughed and giggled and then took me upstairs by the hand and blew me senseless. We do what i want next time.

Never being much of a receiver of head I didnt quite know what to expect. I figured it would be nice. WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN MISSING? Jesus Im a big bottom but holy mother of god why dont i get more head. My biceps are sore from reaching behind my head to grip the headboard. I thought i came a million times until the real deal happended and I almost passed out. His technique is amazing, he is pretty amazing on the whole.

I have removed my profiles from sex sites.

Its going to get interesting!

Sad rich folk and stablehands

2006-04-17T18:17:00.000-05:00

I dont know what it was about last night but I was so bizzarely calm. I guess I liked it. I can attribute it, perhaps, to the fact that it is getting warm outside and i set up the deck with the chairs and umbrella and such. Sitting drinking white (only when its warm outside) wine (and only riesling cuz im a slut to sweet) and smoking cigarettes is so relaxing.

Periodically I sit there and have these odd moments of clarity. A friend of mine had a nervous breakdown...no the hahaha kind...but the lock em up and let em rock in place on the floor kind. She is okay now and switched her anti-depression meds up but she is still such a sick puppy. Usually too woozy to talk or to fucked up to be coherent.

There is a long list of friends i have who are seemingly falling apart...at least their family and personal lives are. Of all the friends I had, who were wealthy or at least VERY comfortable to say the least, almost all of them are watching life as they know it crumble. Its de bloody pressing but almost knocks me into shape....I always thought I had less then everyone during my youth. My friends families were spending more living more lavishly and I was jealous. I was by no means hard done by..exactly oppposite...i just didnt understand extravagance or the notion that things are not what they appear. To sum it up I feel guilty for envying people who were unhappy...who were broke and stressed...who could have used a better friend.

Whilst sitting at home late last night I decided to log on to gay.com and look around. All of us are of course familiar with "looking around". We are of course familiar with the fact that I wasnt just chilling outside of my school shooting some beeball when a couple of guys....I digress. Iwas horny.

SUCCESS...there was a prime piece of ass online and he had pets. Note to the unseasoned hoe. Guys with pets are normally nice and thus increase their chance of repeats or eventual partner status. Would I like to go in your new Hotub? Why sure, only because its new though otherwise i would stay at home and watch A&E.

Get to the guys house midnightish and its warm outside but a lil chilly wind. Walk in and look around. Smells faintly of dog which is simple laziness. Then i see them. Three HUGE dogs come barreling towrds me. I love dogs so i lean down a bit and put out my palms and they come and lick and hug and try to jump. One rottweiler sharpei cross...THE CUTEST EVER. One ageing black lab with grey chin hair..SO CUTE...one other mutt also SOOO CUTE.

Im not content and would marry this guy on the spot if he cleaned more. He is a blacksmith and rides and works with horses. I love it. He used to ride with some friends of mine and attented the same country club as me while growing up.

We both get naked and head out to the hot tub. Beers in hand sitting chilling in the hotub talking about exactly what i was saying earlier...the sad disfunction of the richest people we both knew.
He moves over and clummsily grabs me. Im up on that so fast and riding his leg while he is lounging back in the hotub...kissing his neck licking condensation off his exposed chest.

Thank god for the chilly breeze because it kept my nipples super hard and he was gnawing on them while jerking my cock.

I wanna go inside.

Fight my way past dogs who I'm pretty sure are trying to lick my hardon and into the bedroom. Throw him on his back and suck his cock until all i can taste is precum and the beer from before.

I ask "You fuck?"

Yes he did and my head bounced off the wall and off the bed and i was sweaty and grinding and riding and thrown around and so sweaty and sore.

The thing that was interestin is he said he wanted to get rid of these crappy condoms before opening the new ones. Umm sorry am i not worth the new ones.

His eyes bugged out of his head while i lay him back and rode him. I think i would have been worth it. I had to bite my tongue not to ask him to pull of the condom and cum in my ass.

I didnt ask although i wanted it so bad.

He threw me on my back and fucked me like a jackhammer and i came on his chin and chest. He pulled out and came on my sweaty chest and mixed it around.

I left and went home. Work is over and i wanna go home. SOrry for writing so simply.

Holy fuck im nuts

2006-04-14T16:12:00.000-05:00

Am i Bi-polar or just nuts in general?

Sitting here thinking about the entry I just wrote. What the fuck am I whining about? I bought Alligator shoes...for wayyy too much...dont ask its obscene. I have clothes that could easily rival the rich and famous. I have gotten myself into this whole and all in all life isnt that bad.

I need to smarten up and no doubt just cut up the fucking card and pay it off slowly. Things could be way worse...wayyyy worse...poor lil rich kid (formerly me until i was cut off) is going to have to stop shopping and eating out every bloody day. Fuck. FINE.

Im so nuts it drives me nuttier...vicious cycle!

Debt relief

2006-04-14T15:33:00.000-05:00

I'm absoluetely flipping out. I am practically going nuts and am not sure what to do. I would not only appreciate but hopefully benefit from any advice on this...pls kids.

My debt is too big and its making me nervous...very nervous. I can't sleep anymore and its all I think about..ever. Sad? Yeah I think so.

My credit card which has a 6100 limit is at 4500 and thats trouble. I dont know how to pay it off or really how it got this bad. I spent the money prior to reducing my workload at workplace. I had no choice but to reduce it for school purposes and these purposes still exist as I am continuing to educate throughout summer...so i be fucked.

My creditline which I hardly give a shit about is maxed and no room for an increase. I owe 6000 on that and make payments here and there but nothing too extreme as I have such a ridiculously low interest rate.

I feel like such a fuckin dork writing this shit out but I need some kind of piece of mind. I really dont want this garbage to get in the way of my studies.

What to do?

-Cut up said Creditcard and weep uncontrollably at this...must be done.
-Establish a payment plan with myself for creditcard..i was thinking minimum 500 a month and maybe more if i can afford it
-Kill myself and thank god I have all that loss of life insurance on my loans
-Sell my car which I have a decent amount of equity in and then have parents witness it and almost kill me for getting into that kind of debt while living at home.
-Ask brother who has money to give me some
-Suck it up because relatively speaking I am still kicking all my friends' asses when it comes to debt..i.e no student loans...no rent
-Go over and over monthly bills...CAR 300...INSURANCE 130....GYM 40..CELL PHONE 80
-Kill Myself now because I still hate the debt so much it hurts
-Get a student line of credit and pay off credit card and enjoy low interest rate again and have more control. I think this is what I have to do.
-Become a rent boy and pay everything off super fast but die inside slowly trick by trick

So as a note to myself..which is really all this shitty is about...I will apply for a student line of credit on Tuesday...my day off...after my exam. SHoot me. If i get refused for said SLOC I will simply suck it up and pay off the cc slowly...or become a hoe.

I hate this.

Nuked

2006-04-08T14:32:00.000-05:00

My entire entry just got nuked. I'm pissed

Claire Voyant

2006-04-07T15:27:00.000-05:00

Sigh... I have decided to be grumpy today and maybe fix my attention on this gorgeous guy I see at school all the time and we make eye contact and stare and in my caffeine induced hysteria I end up looking away and then he is gone...instantly. It happens all the bloody time and its like i am in a bad movie with him. Ill be talking to someone else while staring at him barely interested in what im saying and then he is gone. Where does he go? Where do they hide?

I was reading an entry of a fellow blogger and read that they had gone to have their palms read/tea leaves/ cards...they all fall in the same boat. Having my palms read best fall right into the right place right time theory or else they may be covered in ummm lonely juice. Im confident that if i was to go get some mumbo jumbo done that I would be told I will be alone forever and should stop obsessing over my appearance. I was fat like 7 yrs ago so I will never stop obsessing and certainly I dont want to be told what I already know, I will be alone forever. Funn. Maybe Im a clairvoyant. If i was a tranny hoe I would be called Claire Voyant. I like it lots and think Im real smart now. Real. Smart. Like. I added the like to sound more like a hick. More. Hick. Like. U read? Amen.

On the boy front I think things are relatively quiet but then again I always seem to forget the odd rendez vous...obviously they didnt have a major presence that required remembering. I am finding however that my "bear" hookup that I have almost every week seems to be my favorite except when he talks. He talks dirty which is well done in the heat of the moment but stammers like a retard after he gets off...which turns me off. He has a husband and I would never date him but his hairy beefy body gets me goin and he takes control. Why do people assume because im a giant that i want to be in control? So wrong. Im not slave boy material but i like a lil dominance in both parties...where is the line. I dont want to give instructions..i want them just TO KNOW like big dumb guy always does.

Im having a hard time getting turned on by younger twink guys or even younger masculine guys. What is happening to me? Am I goin to be that guy that digs older guys who treat me like shit during sex but worship me any other time. I have two boys that worship me now and are BEAUTIFUL inside and out but I dont think they fit my type anymore...so i am mean to them and break dates like a complete fucking asshole. I think im projecting. I am pretty sure I want to be treated like shit. Thats fucked up. What deeper issues do I have and should i start seeing my shrink again??? Why must i not know what I want and therefore get nothing? Mother of christ help me out or if you cant, can i get a referral?

So alone forever, eh? (I'm Canadian)

2006-03-27T11:29:00.000-06:00

I've come to the dreary conclusion that I am going to be single for the rest of my sad days on this dreadful earth.

Why bother working out all the time and buying the best clothes and looking great and feeling great? I mean really there is no hope for me. I am so disenchanted.

Like most homosexuals I know they blame their geographical location for the lack of men. Is this really the reason because I dont think so. I know there are tons of homos in this city and unfortunately none for me. I have an interesting offer to become a third with a super hot couple. Thats the last thing I need though I think. I would end up falling for just one of them and then Id be jealous and pissed and even more disenchanted then I am now.

Whats wrong with me really though? I am so fucking sick of hearing that people are interested in me but I seem snobby and like I dont want to talk when Im out at the bar or in public period. Im so bloody extroverted that I, and my friends, find that interesting. I do have an aire of confidence less cockiness but still who are these fucking wimps.

Could I be a fuckin wimp too? I just assume that guys dont want me if they dont make eye contact or attempt to chat or anything. I hang around with some pretty beautiful people at the bar...that could be killing my game too. Lastly I know that Im a horny fool who hook ups when the itch is there...this makes me a whore and unavailable??

I have some pics up on a myspace if anyone...if anyone reads this....would like to see them. I hope to god someone can just tell me I'm ridiculously fat and unattractive and then I will know why im lonely. Im so sick of not having a boyfriend..its been about 3 years since I had a concrete one.

I think I broke it

2006-03-24T09:09:00.000-06:00

All day yesterday tired as hell. Decided to go to the gym and have a killer workout. It didnt restore my energy and it made me feel somewhat better. I had arranged a hookup for after the gym because I figured that would be cool and the guy was 18 and ridiculously hot, really, I didnt know we had guys like that here. He lives in residence at school in a solo room so thats where i went. I wasnt sure about going because by the time I got going from the gym and then home and then got weed I had no time to eat. All i had all day was some coffee..lots of coffee.

Arriving at his dorm he opens the door and is actually ten times better looking then his pic. His body is broad and solid..square like a hockey player. His voice is a lil more feminine then I like but he is...dare I say..intimidatingly handsome. 6'0" tall black shaggy hair square cut sold body with no visible fat, perfect ass, nice clothes.

We go in and I look around the dismal room that he has called home for a year. He makes me nervous. We get high, smoke a few more bowls and lay down to watch a movie. His hands are all over me and he is rubbing and caressing. We are both hard and stand up and take off our clothes.

He stands up to put on some music and I cant help myself. Following his cock I start sucking him off as he is working on finding some tunes on the comp. His cock tastes amazing and is fresh and so incredibly hard. Pushing him back on to the bed I go to town on his cock and him on mine. I cant get enough of his and its wayy bigger then he described.

Here is where the problem arises. I can't perform. There is nothing happening. Its turtled entirely. Its not there. Its barely there. It may as well not be there. I can barely feel it. I have no penis. So I think about getting embarassed and decide against it, no doubt I am dying inside though. THIS KID IS HOT. Nothing happens. I can't believe it.

He fucks me and I ride him out. Staring down at this gorgeous kid. Still not hard.

Kid has serious skills...at 18 that makes me a bit nervous. He fucks me harder and harder. Still nothing.

I get off of him and lay on my back. He rips off the condom and wipes himself off and starts beating off straddling my neck. His cock in. MY. FACE. I love that.

This works and he starts shaking and I'm jerking off and I start shaking and he cums in my mouth on my tongue and all over my face. I shoot a load right onto the small of his back and it drips down his (perfect) ass.

So we're all done and we clean off and he starts telling me about his hometown (which is actually the wealthiest city in Canada) and how he is excited to go home and how he used to star in this song and dance thing. Thinking hmmm song and dance eh? It was bloody amazing and it was this show that they put on once a year for ten days str8 every night. Fuckin amazing cirque de soleil dance cross with singing. Im not into broadway but this was amazing and there was an audience of 400,00...he had solos...lots. Hence his amazing body. Which judging by the dvd his body was even more amazing a year ago. He was a funny kid with a good sense of humor and snappy rebuttles with lots of sarcasm. The kind of person i'd be friends with if he didnt move home in a couple of weeks. I get the feeling he may be at an interesting point drug and sex wise though....the same point I was at when I was 18...umm 19....umm 18-23. Its a long point ok?

Now to the boner issues. I have the following suspected reasons and I WOULD LOVE FEEDBACK ON THIS BECAUSE I AM WORRIED AND HARDLY SLEPT THINKING ABOUT IT err...a lil concerned.

1. I barely ate at all yesterday and was ridiculously tired all day.

2. I drank tons of coffee

3. When I ride the upright exercise bike...just as of the last few weeks..my entire package falls asleep for like 20 mins after...this is somewhat worrisome.

4. I was super high and this kid was so hot I was in shock....expecting the typical hot but not this hot.

This isnt the first time its happened. I get a fair amount of action and once a year or so it happens...at least thats when it happens when im with someone. It happens more often when im alone...Im worried about it...hmmm. I may make a doctors appt but I know he is just gonna tell me too relax. Nope no more relaxing.

Worried that I'm broken.

Caffeine Inspired. . .curved cocks & Propaganda

2006-03-20T11:17:00.000-06:00

On not a very fun note...I read this guys blog and I like it and thought he seems like a great guy. He always has relatively intelligent content and he's cute. Recently he took a stab at Canada. Now while I am aware of the many problems Canada has I found the one that he brought up ridiculous. I think I may have taken it out on him when in fact I am angry at mass media.

The US media focused on the seal clubbing that our country allows way up north. While I do find it disgusting, it pretty much fits in with hunting as a whole. Maybe there should be more focus on the fenced game reserves that Dick Cheney and his cronies have been frequenting for years. Or maybe the media should not be such fucking suckers...i.e mediums to spread propaganda and focus less our cute dead seals and more on the thousands of innocent and guilty that are dying in Iraq. I'm just fascinated how everyone allows their attention to be diverted from the war. Its obvious the war is NOT working out according to plan and thus the coalition gov'ts want less focus on it. Why not send a brit celeb to Canada? That way the UK and the US media will shift focus away from the charred bodies of Iraqi civilians onto the poor cute baby seals that are clubbed. This world is fuckin ridiculous and as are the suckers who have dedicated actual face time to this issue. Prioritize people!

Now onto something that will at least spark some sexual interest.

My best friend J and I have been best friends for years. He is str8 and was dating a close friend of mine when we met. We all partied together in this huge apt I had in a trendy area. It was 5 years ago and I have since lost track of everyone except J. We see eachother a few times a week and I get along well and hang out with him and his girlfriend every chance I get. Here's where it gets complicated.

Years ago in my old pad I used alot of drugs and drank alot. I did all of this with J. We got messed up and messed around many times. Me sucking him off and him jerking me off while kissing me slowly and teasing the tip of my cock with his tongue. It was hot but we both had spouses who were friends and it was not goood. Plus I was cheating on my hot as hell bf at the time with all his "str8" friends and all of theirs. I slept with every guy in our clique. Dirty I know. HOT..hells yes it was. We stopped but still flirt to this day and I love J madly...just cant have him. I think he may be gay but grew up christian fundamentalist so may be just fucked up for the rest of his days. Sad but true.

Just the two of us were out for lunch the other day and started talking about cock size. We were both appalled at the fact that we each thought we had bigger cocks. It was settled that mine was way thicker and his 1 inch longer with a curve. I love his curve. HOT. Anyways it is getting hot and heavy with us. Everytime we are alone there is stress and sexual tension and we find some excuse to talk about when we used to fuck around (which his current gf knows about) and to look at porno and talk about jerking off. Ridiculous as it is I want him bad, worse then usual and I think he may be reciprocating.

He has also been bringing up the fact that I resent his current gf. I make no secret that I would love to be with J for the rest of my life and fuck his brains out 24/7. We hug and cuddle and will do anything on earth for eachother whenever its needed. I always wonder how threatened his gf must feel. We were out the other day shopping and ran into a friend who told us we were "meant for eachother". I agreed and just said "Sadly J isnt gay yet." He just smiles and giggles and hugs my shoulders. Christ.

I am avoiding him for a bit until my spring sex drive goes away. He's so fuckin hot though.

I love my str8 boyfriend. God help me.

Aesthetic Sin of Hotness

2006-03-10T17:29:00.000-06:00

Why oh why am I stricken with such a burden? I'm not being the usual pompous asshole but rather stating facts. As I have been told today by two gay boys, I'm intimidating with my aire of confidence. Hells to the yeah I be intimidating I guess....or maybe you slack jawed yokals just don't have any sense of presence. They agreed. I wonder if I miss out some decent ass because I appear confident or in homo terms...standoffish.

School is busting my nuts and not in a good way at all...although periodically between classes I step into the bathroom for some relief...just because I sit behind this guy who has amazing triceps and they turn me on. He's latin with nice arms. As opposed to Latin with full body hair (You guys seen that family??? I saw them on discovery the other night). Aside from this boner inducing latin stud I have so much bloody schoolwork to do. I am writing papers on environmental ethics, Prohibition and Argentinas Economic Disaster. All interesting topics, for example, (par "ejemplo" for my spanish readers) why oh why did Argentina decide that they could just pay off their debt by making a whole bunch of new money? Si, senor we can just take this paper and put pictures on it and we will be debt free. Swift. Really swift. This people is why Chi-chis mexican restaurant was successful and Marias Argentinian Food Hut was not. Poor business sense.

I love all people down there. Beneath me. I mean Beneath Canada. Not me. Or?

This weekend I am gonna have me a trophy fuck in between studying and writing papers and various states of predjudice. I think I will just find the prettiest boy I can and have sex with him. Id prefer a silver fox as I have been having this mad lust for a muscle daddy. I may even be into roleplay. Am I sick? My dad and I get along well but I dont want a piece of him. Maybe I'm sick. I don't think so. I like variety. My friend went to a tricks house last week and was wrapped in saran wrap with his cock out and a straw to breath and he was bitten and sucked and slapped. He liked it but thats a bit much for me. Wayyy to much actually. Even though I was playing a lil when he called to tell me the story. I am sick.

On the gym front, which I'm sure is of no interest to anyone but me. I have bumped up cardio to 1 hr 6 times a week. I am doing a serious chest/back program that makes me feel physically handicapped in the morning. On the up side I am so horny that I guess I am a physically handicapped person that masturbates excessively, as they all do I assume. What would it be like if you were retarded and couldn't enjoy a good session snapping one off to Golden Girls? I bet they like Golden Girls. Retarded people that is. Although I can't be sure. But i have my suspicions.

I should be saying impaired. My mom would be mad that I'm not not calling retards impaired. She's a social worker. What's an impaired retard I wonder? Huh MOM?! HUH!! Thought so. Hugs.

Feeling nuts from no smoking and no drinking. I just re read that sentence and realize the stupidity of it. Tonight I will drink and smoke. Lots. While jerking off to Golden Girls. Hot.

On a side note I often jerk off to UFC. I like the roughness. I. Am.Sick.

Im neurotic and tired but so awake its sick. I should go do something or at least think of something to decent to write in here..ill go screw an ugly. They are always good for stories.

Id say that's a decent end to a date

2006-03-06T15:16:00.000-06:00

Pls excuse all errors as I am writing this between clients. In a serious fucking rush is what I mean.

Interesting last few days. It's been hectic as all hell and school is driving me nuts. Thank christ above for weed. Amen

The dude i was seeing and I are no longer. He is young and so obviously full of angst. Poor bastard but this is the way life goes. He msgs me now and says he is so typical and full of angst but he doesn't want people to treat him like he is 19. He is just like me at 19 which is odd. He doesn't have the e/coke/viagra/booze induced stories. We grow up in different ways. Somewhat comforted by the fact that he seemingly had an easy time coming out and was easily accepted and still turned out equally as fucked up as I was. It just cost me more. Drugs are expensive. I often miss cocaine.

Working out alot and becoming very happy with how small my waist is getting and how huge my muscles are getting. Im working out so fucking hard that this summer i will be fuckin cut. Too bad ill be in classes and working when im not in class...at least ill enjoy looking at myself in the mirror every morning.

Went on two dates last week.

DATE 1

Went out with this huge guy. He is my height (6'3") but everything about him is huge...like huge...his hands feet head hair. He has no social skills. He is bright though but dresses like a fuckin bum. I hate it when people dress like fuckin bums. I insist on at least nice clothing. I am confused by people who look like shit. Even my poverty stricken friends (i.e students) look hot in just getting decent vintage buys or the plain white t shirt with nice jeans...really people. I suffer the problem of being born into privilege and then once i was old enough to work my parents thought it would be a good idea to buy all my own clothes. I do. It costs me a fuckin fortune. I look great. I rule...interesting how this turned into all about me....yes date sucked....yes i dress well and am not flaming...its possible....americans seem to be much better at it then us here in canada....we need some gay drone stores i guess no matter how much i despise them (PAC SUN, A&F, American Eagle, Hollister, Structure) All shit stores but they make people presentable. Im a snob. thus is life.

DATE 2

Been sleeping with this guy J for years. I think it has been about 6 years and its nice and fun and casual and I like him. We have attempted to date...i.e he has asked me out and I have cancelled on him 6 times....not once a year but almost all of the times last year. We went out. I asked as he is obviously interesting and I consider myself a humanitarian and quite obviously a bastard. We went out for chinese...he's jewish so i knew chinese was the way to go. It was great. We loved it and ate it...I didnt eat much because i wanted to get nailed and didnt want his cock covered in noodles. Gross but savvy, non?

We had booked a swanky hotel for after but I wanted a fire really badly and the only place with a fireplace was 380 a night. Its been 6 years and I have spent nothin on this handsome punk, why start now? My parents house is massive and is sadly where I reside (hey at least until school is done). They were up in their room watching PBS or "MEET THE PRESS" repeats. They love that shit. We went into the living room I lit a fire in the huge fireplace and laid a brown fur blanket down in front. It was hot if i do say so myself. We were immediately all over eachother then I took a breakk to smoke a huge reefer and drink some wine.

Upon returning from said reefer i grabbed him by the back of his neck and pulled his head towards mine...stopping just when his lips are grazing mine. Gently pulling his bottom lip forward and sucking on it while lifting him up by his perfect bubble butt. Gripped around my waist now I pushed him back and pulled his shirt and sucked and bit his nipple hard..hard enough to feel some shaking in his knees.

Laying him on his back on the blanket with just the light from the fire shining on him. I cant even explain how in awe i was staring at his smooth milky white flesh with the warm light on the fire. Needless to say I had us both stripped in seconds and my precum covered cock tracing his tight ass. My nipple piercings have been out for a few weeks now and he went to town sucking on them, it was something I have never felt and I liked.

Laying on my back we 69 with him on top and me pulling his cock deep into my throat, I get so hard when im being choked on a cock, him grinding his ass and cock toward deeper into my mouth while i moan and jerk drops of precum onto his lips.

The accessibility of a boys ass when 69'ing in this position is perfect, It allows one to tell if its good to go or not. It was definitely good to go and i licked his ass while squeezing his cock for precum and using it to lube up my fingers. Once his ass was primed I moved him forward with his face towards the hot fire and staring at the fire slipped a condom on my cock and lubed his asss further.

Taking my cock in hand I pushed the head in. I could see the sweat on his forehead and i could feel it on my abs. Facing the fire caused us to have this crazy heat yet shivers from the initial thrust of my cock head. He squirmed alot and i had to muffle his crys by leaning in and putting my finger in the side of his mouth for him to bit and suck on. Thank god I have long arms and he is short...made for some decent compatibility as usual.

Drilling him for awhile I just wanted to suck more cock. Its nice for a bttm like myself to top here and there but I was drooling over tasting some cock and deepthroating until i could barely breathe. I pulled out hard and then just for fun went all the way back in. He wanted to kill me but it was a decent laugh.

I fell back with my knees bent and back arched and he shoved his cock in my mouth hard, I had to grip his knees, he was standing and shaking. I sucked it so hard that he came all over my face while i jerked myself to orgasm shooting up and all over his ass crack.

Smoked a cig and I drove him home.

Over all i would say Date 2 was more successful. It was sweaty and safe. Safe is nice. I like safe. I have had lots of unsafe back in the day. I better head to the urinals and then back to work.

US History Hardon

2006-02-21T10:12:00.000-06:00

Sitting in class besides this sort of shy guy. I am pretty sure he is this gay guy that talks to me on gay.com sometimes. His pic is a lil different but I catch him looking at my package when i wear tight jeans. Sometimes i smirk when i see him staring but today I took it one step further.

Easily feeling my cock harden, my jeans were tight and it had be adjusted. There was no way to do it without him seeing. I raised myself up from my seat and tucked my cock down the side of my leg closest to him. Knowing he's watching I kept getting harder and harder. You ever think this is the biggest your cock has ever been when you're hard. Im pretty sure it was. My focus was shifting away from US History and I was forcing my cock to twitch. He was staring and I was looking at his crotch and smirking. Re adjusting again to make it bulge on top of my leg and he stopped writing his notes. His head was down staring to the side of his notes, crossing out the same word over and over. How could no one notice that our breathes were getting heavy. The breathing in the back of the class was easily audible over the profs analysis of socialism.

Precum soaked through my boxers and was starting on my jeans. Hands under my desk rubbing my hardon. He's arching his back in his seat and forcing his cock to twitch in his loose jeans. Nice of him to do since my jeans are tight and i dont have to be so obvious. He stared at my hands under my desk rubbing the vein that runs the length of my cock. He gets so nervous. We're at the very back and there is no on even moderatley awake in the class.

He puts on his jacket, tucks his cock in and leaves. I didnt follow because really he isnt my type or even that attractive, but getting stared at and obviously lusted after is a killer way to start my day.

I just got back from Toronto which is were I was for the past week and I'll update about that later. It was mostly shopping with an orgy here and there...two of em actually. Hickeys are so fuckin tacky.

Cheery Upbeat Birthday Post

2006-02-10T10:23:00.000-06:00

Does anyone read this, besides the one person I know well?? Leave a fuckin comment if you read this garbage.

Do you ever wake up and just wish you could stay in bed? FOREVER. Then do you wake up and write suicide notes in your head all morning while you shower and eat and get dressed and drive to work? Me. Neither.

I hate birthdays and I am especially inexcited about 25. So now I am 25 years old and I supposed I can have a quarter life crisis. I think I'm having it.

I had a shit day yesterday, well it was good at the start and great at the end, the middle however sucked so bad that I dont think I can salvage the day and say it was "good".

B is just kind of fading and I am so confident that he is not my type, he is however cute and smart so I'm somewhat conflicted. He is too affected and sadly I'm more then aware that I am so affected in general that I dont need to be and shouldnt be with anyone right now. I have to stick to friends and really avoid unfulfilling sex with people I barely know, I doubt I will totally abstain. I have already taken a huge cut in the amount of people I sleep with. Down 90% in the past few months.

Anonymous sex is so unfullfilling that I can hardly handle it at all. It drains me physically and mentally and I absolutely feel that I am regressing whenever I do it. It takes me down to a level of unhappiness that I really never want to visit. My cock does get the better of me sometimes though and I suppose one of these times I may pay for it.

Speaking with one of my closest friends yesterday I realized that I have never had sex with someone I loved, or never with someone I had a healthy loving relationship. I had sex with my boyfriend when I lived with him years ago and loved him in a way, but it was more like worry about him hurting himself love.

What would it be like to sleep with someone I was in love with I wonder, what would that be like? Jesus I cant even fathom it, I have a feeling this is very unfortunate. I mean I have slept with people that I loved but not in love with. WITH is the operative word. I mean we loved eachother and cared about eachother but we werent in love with eachother.

I'd like to fall in love this year.

Or else be dead by 26. . .because really whats the point?

Manifest destiny...I like to think I have a lil control

2006-02-09T11:53:00.000-06:00

Okay so here is how it went down...you are going to think I'm an idiot but I really wanted to go out and have sex last night and wasnt sure if i should or not. Its been forever and I didnt want to fuck things up with B.

I log onto MSN to look around and see who is on..I.E pick who I want to fuck me for the night and then go on with that, move forth..yadda yadda yadda

B is online and our conversation goes as follows...this is from memory so cut me some slack if i fuck up and recount the tale to you later, albeit more precisely.

B: Hey Handsome

ME: Hey Kid

B: Whats up?

ME: Not much, I thought you were going out?? Home already??

B: What would make you think I was going out?

ME: You told me, quit being difficult

B: LOL difficult eh? You' re projecting again

ME: Oh yeah? Thanks for filling me in. So you want me to pursue you or what?

B: Pursue?

B: Pardon?

B: Isnt that up to you big guy?

ME: I'm not interested in an exercise in futility.

B: It may be futile I dont know, I am such a mess of baggage right now

ME: You think that makes you unique?

B: I just dont want you to fall in love with me and become obsessed and Ill have to break your heart.

ME: LOL you're kidding me right? No doubt there exists an initial puppy love or lust but dont get ahead or yourself

B: Im just looking out for you

ME: Kiddo I can see your baggage and raise it 10x , I dont need to be protected but I do want us both to tell eachother when we arent interested.

B: You are telling me that you arent interested right now? On msn??

ME: No, but I am saying I am going to keep you informed and I want the same. So if you are letting me pursue you and like it, pursue back instead of being aloof.

B: Im so all over the map, I should tell you now that I am not a good person to date.

ME: You're cryptic and I like it, I dont want to know everything about you asap

B: LOL Thx A (ME)

ME: OK, have a good night

B: Thx A (ME)...**wink emoticon**

Jesus I wonder if that went well or not, I am so unsure. I think it did because if it hadnt he would have told me not to pursue him further at all. He didnt and seems interested although conflicted that he is going to hurt me. I am starting to think that i dont mind being hurt at least a little. Some of the best relationships I've had were the best times of my life and as a result have made me what I am today..or at least more cognizant of what I am becoming. These relationships resulted in us both being hurt to such a degree that I thought I wouldnt recover. I did recover though and turned out even better.

He talks about baggage. Im not so sure how i feel about that term. Such is life. There is no baggage there are just "growing pains". One should learn from baggage, or at least I do. Shying away from people because you have baggage is ridiculous, what you have is life experience. Whats the hottest thing a guy can have??? Life experience! Its true that at times it can be difficult to move past the unfortunate moments in our lives. Life is never easy. Life is also too short to waste time regailing past emotional atrocities over and over...or to inhibit yourself as a result of those atrocities.

Also recognizing that one may just in fact be the right guy at the right place at the right time. It may not initially seem like its the right place or time but trust me it can shift. I have dated guys on the rebound and they have done just that, helped me to rebound. Some may say this is manifest destiny but I wholeheartedly object. I didnt date them for the purpose of getting over my ex, i dated them with no expectations and perhaps it was just old plain old destiny. They were there at the right time and served their purpose and all went well. Maybe one of the guys I will meet on the "rebound" will be my next bf, maybe he will just be a good friend that is there at the right place and right time.

Talk about fuckin cryptic, I can barely understand myself. What I'm saying is...life is too bloody short to waste time letting your "baggage" weigh you down.

I think I'm oblivious

2006-02-06T09:37:00.000-06:00

Cell phone rings at 10 am and its B. I see it on the call display and it makes my heart skip a beat. Waiting to be ditched for our upcoming date this evening, I reluctantly answer.

Plans have changed, he has to guard (lifeguard) today because they are short. Tells me that the fact of the matter is that he can't say No as he is broke as a joke and going away for reading week soon. I tell him to chill, I'm not upset I'll see him when I can.

I spend the entire day deconstructing my confusing relationship with a friend while puffing back joints and working out. It was a great day minus the anxiety I feel when it comes to B.

Did a killer chest and back workout which pretty much quashed any feelings of inadequacy I was having.

Home for 9 pm and B arrives. Looks cute. Hug him and we hold for a bit. Says he is tired so llies down on the couch. Order him food he is hungry. Make out for awhile. Just cuddle. I'm lying down now with my legs over his. He is rubbing my leg and going pretty far up. HOT. We adjust and im doing the same. I rub his legs just staying a millimeter away from cock. He keeps on twitching and breathing heavy.

Make out some more and talk. Tells me about his date with this chubby 19 yr old, he went on one and then ditched him for the next one. He informs me of every detail about their post ditch date, movie and such. Chubby sent him a text right after the movie and said he wished they could have made out at the movie. Not B's style, poor guy just cut himself off right there.

He feels obligated to tell me all about his dates with other people, he came to the conclusion that Chubby just wants experience and is dating other people so B finds that a turnoff. I informed him that I dont need to hear intimate details of his dating other people, "Really B, you can feel free to hold that stuff back, I dont like hearing it." He just giggled and smiled and said he has to keep me informed.

UMmmm at this point I am so fucking confused because B is dating other people and as far as I know he is just using me for experience, since he is pretty fresh on the market. I suspect that he is keeping me interested and possibly even hinting as to what I should be doing with him.

Am i to tell him that I'd like to just date him and am ceasing to date anyone else????

How does one approach this issue? How do I ask? Do I tell or ask? Is it really clear that this what he wants and I'm just a nervous mesmerized idiot around him and i miss the hints? Am I crazy?

The date ended with him going home to study and us kissing at the doorway...alot...alot and grinding and i pinned him. My cock can barely take this teasing, its become bi polar.

And It goes a lil something like this....

2006-02-04T17:03:00.000-06:00

Okay its getting out of hand again.

I picture tomorrow when he comes over. I will have timed it perfectly for when i arrive back from the gym. I will still be sweaty and guzzling back gatorade. I'll want to have a shower and I'll tell him to come and talk to me while i shower. He'll sit in the bathroom with me talking through the door, he'll make out my body but it will be foggy, enough to turn him on will be visible. I'll place the towel strategically on the outside shower door so that is covers me from the waist down. Ill be hard throughout my shower im sure, secretly wishing he would just join me and we could slide up and down eachother with the incredible shower smell mixed with my sweat.

More realistically he will stay seated and we'll shoot the shit about the weekend. Both us will recount our weekend and what part's boys played in them. Or what boy's parts we played with. I'm confident he wont have done anything too risque, and I know I haven't and will be honest with him. He'll ask why not and maybe ill tell him that there is no one else i wanna mess around with.

Ill ask him to step out for a minute as my shower is finishing off. This way I will seem like i too dont want him to see me naked, I am "shy". Ill put on some tight white boxer briefs and fitted t shirt and tell him to come talk to me while i get dressed. He'll sit on the bed and laugh and continue to talk about himself. He will then ask me the question that I KNOW he is gonna ask at some point.

"So why were you so crazy horny the other day when I spoke to you?"

"I was just horny to start off with and then I was telling a friend about you and describing you and it just went off the hook. It was mad primal horny, I'm sure you have had it before, I would have walked over my dead grandmas body to pin you against the wall and just lift your shirt off and bite your shoulders."

He'll have some sort of answer, "So you really just wanted to fuck me or fuck around with me out of nowhere, you know that I am having issues with us taking the next step. I dont know if i can get past what you did with my ex years ago, it would be weird to sleep with someone who had sex with my old lover whom I still love and he still loves me."

"There is nothing I dont understand about what you say. I had a first love too and I have no doubt in my mind that I love him today, I've learned to love him from a distance and life goes on. I have no preconceived notions that he is going to dicate anything in my life though. I'm sick of feeling guilty about this, about wanting you, i shouldn't. The only guilt that I realized I'm feeling is that I'm sorry I didnt understand myself better when I was young."

I'll sit beside him at some point during this recitation and I'm sure his hand will meet with mine immediately after I sit down. He'll smile and we'll kiss and make out and then I'll stop and ask him where he wants to go for dinner. We'll get up and leave and go for dinner.

The plan is to come back to my house to watch a movie after dinner and then chill for a bit and catch up on the weeks activities and the general stupid things that have bothered us through out our week. We speak freely and I like that alot. I dont hold back and as far as I know he doesnt either. We'll end up laying together spooning, him in front of me with his head resting on my bicep and my arm around his waist with our hands meeting on his naval, under his shirt where he is ridiculously soft.

There will be the odd kissing of the neck and I'll lift him on to me and have him lying right on top of me, our cocks will both be hard and grinding against eachother, I suspect they will want out of the restraints of his and my pants.

From there I cant predict. This kid is seriously affected by his ex. We could move to the bedroom for full out sex or we could just stop there, most likey we will continue playing. We'll return to spooning, his head on my bicep, Ill whisper to him while hugging him tightly.

"Im not doing this for long B."

Who does he think he is having ME pursue HIM?

2006-02-04T10:41:00.000-06:00

I can't even say if I'm sure why I'm like this...anxiety in general is driving me absolutely nuts. I haven't written in here forever as I haven't had much to write about. Life WAS relatively mundane.

Working out a ton and looking better and bigger and better and better. I'm attracting different guys and I think I like it. I'm attracting smaller solid broad guys. Small builds but tight bodies.

I started talking to B maybe about a month ago now. We started on msn and discussed how I had seen him at school and thought maybe he was gay and from there it went to talking on the phone and the obvious step to me describing what I was wearing and how sweaty after the gym I was and the incredible horniness I felt right after I work out. I can't shake the uncontrollable H Factor after the gym...all I want to do is fuck and suck and just roll around in general. I need human contact after I work out.

I curbed my need to get laid post gym and thus the H Factor in me is increasing at a startling rate. I'm in serious trouble and often can't even communicate with people because I am wayy to busy having an illicit daydream. I like them. Illicit daydreams are hot but just not doing the job for now.

Went out on a few dates with this guy, he's 19 and gorgeous, he's always 19 and precaucious and pretentious with a lil bit of arrogant. I suppose that is the epitomy of 19. Talking with him is interesting. He is the oldest of his family and I am the youngest. He has had an easy time coming out and just being himself in general. B hasn't tried any drugs and rarily drinks and really just likes who he is. I wish I had been there at 19. I am just getting there now and I'm turning 25 in 6 days. We went for coffee and dinner and sunday hangover coffee and drinks. I had him over to my brothers (which im housesitting for a couple of weeks) and made him steak and potatoes, he claimed he was basic and thats what he liked...it was an ongoing joke and dinner may have just sealed the deal.

Eating, talking, staring way too much for comfort and then me looking away. He comments on everything and calls me on my shit already. Tells me to maintain eye contact. He then drops the bomb.

"As you know I just broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago and I went out with him for a late dinner last night (because i didnt answer my cell and he called at 3 am, i could have bedded him then). My ex told me that you two slept together 3 or 4 yrs ago and i think we can just be friends now, its too weird for me."

Pissed, I was so fuckin pissed, he had casually mentioned that i may have known his ex back in the day. I'm confused as he didn't even know his ex when i was sleeping with him. He was in grade 10 for christs sake, this is what I'm paying for now.

We discuss accountability and he tells me I should be held accountable. I ask him if he feels its his responsibilty to hold me accountable. We both know I was a crazy X and coke fiend back then and pretty much screwing whomever whenever. He knows I havent been this person for a long time and this isnt the person he is with right now, right here. He best get over it because life is gonna be rough should he take this route with the small community we have here.

Starts talking about how it was his first love and he knows i have screwed lots of people including one of his best friends millions of times. He doesnt want to be # 1 million and 1. He wants to be one in a million. I didnt bother to respond to that comment as we were just starting out and I wasnt gonna give him more credit then he deserved. Instead I LOST IT.

"Maybe the thing that is pretty weird is that you broke up with your boyfriend and told him that you loved him. You then immediately starting dating people and telling said ex boyfriend how excited you are or how much you like the guy you are dating. Do you not think this ex boyfriend is going to try and quash anything you try and get your hands on, sounds like you have instigated alot of resentment in this guy...obvious that he's acting vindictive now?? Who the fuck is this guy in the first place to not observe the unspoken rule of one night stand anonymity...especially in a situation like this. I think his motives are clear. Its interesting how you claim to hate the way the world of gay politics works yet you feed into them."

He sits and stares at me. We laugh a lil. I say I feel better and needed to say that. He doesn't leave which is a good sign considering the fact that i just flipped out on our 4th date. We chat some more and eat some more and clean up a little.

Moving to the couch we sit beside eachother and pop in the movie that he rented. We are watching and his hand is on my lap, he is now rubbing my lap and moved right beside me. He pulls my legs over his and is all over me pushing rubbing massaging, his huge hands within inches of my crotch, Im so hard I can barely breathe, I certainley can't think because every ounce of blood in my body is concentrated in the head of my cock.

I lift him towards me and kiss him and he pushes my mouth with his. Kissing hard i can feel this guys huge cock grinding into me. We stop and stare at eachother. We lay together and watch the movie plus another one with intermittent make out sessions. He leaves, asks to hang out tomorrow and I say sure.

Next day he comes over and we watch a movie and make out and grind with him stopping as soon as we are about to pull our cocks out. He says he cant do it, its just too weird. I decide okay and just pull him down and tight to me and hug him and he kisses my neck. All sweet and nice and i like it but im horny.

Has one hour of free time tues night, comes by and we are all over eachother grinding and kissing the minute i see him. I just walked in from the gym, I'm sweaty and horny and he tells me not to bother showering. HOT. Grind kiss stare at eachother. I notice he smiles whenever I kiss him. I keep kissing him and then stopping to notice he just lays there and smiles. Im fuckin smitten which is such garbage. Me? Smitten? NEVER. Fuck. Following suit he stops and says he cant go any further its just too weird. I ask him why, same reason, is there not chemistry, yes there is chemistry, so what then, i dunno. Okay, ill see you at school. Bye.

Saw him at school, we're goin out tomorrow, he's coming over. I'm going nuts. I dont get smitten. 6'3" 230 lbs muscular isnt supposed to get smitten. I am. Smitten. FUCK!

The source of the better part of my anxiety lies with the fact that B is dating other people and is keeping me informed. I am not dating other people because I know how weak I am and I dont wanna risk screwing it up with B. I dont wanna be the whore he thinks I am. I would be if I was dating other people. I am off the hook horny these days. Its out of control.

I'll see him tomorrow and I need to say something so that my angst will subside. The fact of the matter is that ;

a) I am not the same person at all that I was 4 yrs ago, neither in state of mind nor physically. I would reason to say that I am 80% different. I have always been hot and funny.

b) He IS one in a million not #1 million and 1. My friends are shocked that I have maintained interest with someone for over 2 dates. My friends are shocked that I didnt say goodbye when he wouldnt put out. I have NEVER done this with anyone, I even got my best str8 guy friends naked the 2nd or third time we hung out. I have never spent this much time with a guy without having him naked or deciding never to talk to him again.

Obvious that he is significant, I'm not sure if I want to say those things or not, i could just wait and relax and enjoy..minus the enjoy and relax because I rarily do those two activites unless im drunk or high. Hence, I have been getting fairly rocked these past few days.

I like that he likes my body, worships my arms. I like that he is genuinely smart and perhaps well on his way to enjoying an intellectual stability deserving of a decent guy like himself.

I guess i like him which is such a fuckin pissoff. I hate being human. I hate being the pursuer, I'm used to be pursued.

I dont know if tomorrow I will say my key points to him or just end it. Bad timing and its really unfortunate. Maybe we can rediscover eachother later. Then we both end up dating other people while still wanting eachother and are filled with regret and or infidelities thus hurting out future spouses. He tells me I think too much. Maybe he's right.

yeah 19 or 20

2005-06-28T16:38:00.000-05:00

Funny how the sex drive comes and goes. Not getting it at all.

Today is kind of a down day in general and it seems ridiculous that i feel this down after feeling so up yesterday. Fuckin. Tiring.

Work is neither here nor there, i am however looking forward to this sweet piece of ass at the gym who is a big starer and as I am the token homo, he knows what he is getting into. Me thinks there will be some gym whack off sessions soon...ill start the poor adonis like bastard off slow then ill lay him down and just hop on.

Done.

Devirginized.

Killer. Kid is like 20 or so with some mad crazy square shoulders. I think I watched him do chinups yesterday for like an hour. Yeah thats some serious heaving muscles with more lines of definition than ive ever seen. He stares at me staring. I dunno if he gay though...curious umm yeah so im in. At the gym though thats the problem because we are all there to look at other peoples bodies and compare them to ours. I like mine lots. But I dig this kids more.

Fuck its nuts that i had no sex drive all day until i write about this kid..now i may have to go beat off in the can and then come back maintaining some decent shape in my pants.

See now all i can think about is walking into the lockeroom and seeing this dude peel off his sweat stained shirt then pin him up against the locker lift him up under his arms let him wrap his legs around me pull his cock over his boxers give him head while he struggles to both maintain a strong grip on the side of lockers and fuck my mouth.

yeah that'd be tight. Damn im all over the map.

I gotta go..i just got instant blue balls.

Fucking peeps fucks me up....yo

2005-06-27T12:22:00.000-05:00

I'm back and im going to make a better attempt at getting this thing going. I just dont have it in me as of late. Gonna make somewhat of an effort.

Been an interesting few weeks. Had a wedding. Had a friend come in who is super hot but straight. Had full out animalistic sex in the weight room of the hotel of said wedding. Hopped in car loaded at 3 am and went to my place and had sex to the point where i woke up with shattered bathroom tiles, matress handles pulled off bed and my bike was upside down. I dunno about the bike. I remember the shower. My ass got nailed by this ridiculously muscular dude.

So him and I hung out last year and there was some extreme sexual energy. Im am so fucking good at seducing staright dudes that its sickening. (how str8 can they be...non?) Really..im a lil sick over the whole thing. He came back this year and he shaved his head to look like mine...was wearing my clothes and just wanted to go to the gym and wear my glasses. We called him single white female.

This year we had a wedding. He came into town. Few mutual friends and I rented a room. Went for a walk after the reception at the hotel and we decided to visit the weight room. Naked and making out and head and sucking and biting in there until we noticed there was a giant filipino wedding party leaving their party and there were GIGANTIC WINDOWS that would expose us totally if the lights came on or if they turned on their headlights. He was shivering and nervous and saying "this isnt right blah blah im str8 and have never even wanted to do something like this..blah blah blah". Hopped in my car loaded (poor choice...hot enough to drunk drive for and i didnt kill anyone..pheuf) at 3 am and went to my place and had sex to the point where i woke up with shattered bathroom tiles, matress handles pulled off bed and my bike was upside down. I dunno about the bike. I remember the shower, I swallowed his load when i wasnt gripping the tiles with neck tense against the wall and ass in the air. My ass got nailed by this ridiculously muscular dude over and over and he was throwing me around. Im 6'3" like 200 lbs and pretty fucking muscular. He. Tossed. Me. Around. It was phenomenal.

Went back to the hotel and hopped into a bed together with our mutual friends screaming at us wondering where we had been for the last 3 hours. Thats right. We had sex for three hours. We laughed and said we were talking and went to some party in another room and then got into bed naked togther and cuddled and slept and got off a few more times. We were killer discrete and no one really said anything.

HUng out the next day platonically.

He put me in a major sexual mood and thus i had about 8 partners within the next week and im digging having sex. I wanna get laid mad as much as possible. I did. Im tired of sex. Fast forward to one week later and he comes back into town. We drink we go out and we party. I give him head a few times and we sleep in my apt cuddled up in the aft. One night we go to a gay bar. This dude has issues and needs to think and be told he is hot. I get pissed and jealous and leave the bar as he is styling ugly fat chics and flaming homo's.

Now the good shit. So apparently he has a breakdown later that night with a friend of mine and they go for a walk and he tells her all of his problems about his obscenely low self esteemm plastic surgery mishaps and his desire to be loved but is not gay blah blah blah.

He is good gay sex lover...me love you long time.

So buddy is seriously fucked up and needs friends more then anything and now i have to be his friend even though all i want to do is screw him eerrr have him screw me senseless and thats fucking me up because i always get to de gay virginize boys and then its just an experiment and i get fucked in the long run...and not in the good way.

But i am trying to be this dudes friend. I think im doing a pretty good job. He is 21 and having some issues. Thats a rough year and i had a shitty time too so maybe i can help..something decent will come out of my melancholy years of rampant drug use and unprotected sex..whoo hoo

Now my depression which is so hot and cold is kinda gone because i am getting so much ass that the euphoric post orgasm feeling seems to last all day long. Now i have lost interest in sex and im not sure if its because i had so much killer sex in a short period of time or what. Im a lil choked about this dude who is seriously hot and idolizes me so much. He needs friends so im gonna do my best. Last friend chat we had I ended up giving him head and we had a shower. He shivers at the start and has to hug me tight to stop. Its weird.

So im not terribly upset these days but I do have bad days which are really fucking bad and i feel like fucking smashing my head against a wall and fuckin thankful i dont have a gun because id blow myself away without a second . Ive been drinking a fair bit. Laid off the pot for the past while and am working out like a madman and my arms are hot as hell and my shoulders be damn broad.

I feel a lil flighty and im not quite sure where i am. The gay community here isnt my biggest fan because i have tended to fuck and chuck a fair bit and im a lil snobby as im not interested in fancy haircuts and being a diva. Fuck. I gotta find where i fit. The boys i like are masculine and just like me kinda...which is odd...i cant write anymore.

This entry fuckin sucked. Sorry, im feeling kinda fuckin sucky.

Fuck light hearted

2005-05-07T02:35:00.000-05:00

So this was supposed to be light hearted and a nice relaxing diary. Fuck. That. Noise.

Im miserable as hell and im so fucking sick of being up and then down and its driving me nuts. The funny thing is that I thought I could shake it. No such luck.

Driving in my car I often fantasize about dropping it into 2nd and redlining myself straight into a tree or off the side of a bridge. I thought this was normal. Maybe therein lies the problem.

Talking to friends about it finally. Not normal. Who knew?

Where is my place in the world or gaydom..do I even have a place. Im too masculine to be accepted by the homo's of this city. Im not attracted to feminine guys who live their gayness. Im gay. It's a small part of who i am. I am Adam. I am gay. Not vice versa. Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life because really..thats how it is feeling. I used to think...fuck...its just a matter of time and ill find someone perfect. Someone that I am willing to make compromises over and so will he. Its not that im looking for Mr Perfect but i am looking for a Mr. and not Mrs as many homos seem to be convinced they are.

So many people from my neighborhood have killed themselves within the past...well as long as I can remember..someone different is always dead. Neighbor from down the street just about 6 months ago. Former aquintance and dude from down the stree just about 2 months ago. Best friends brother just a few years ago. Cousins Uncle from other side a few years ago...the list goes on and on. Money doesnt buy happiness. They were all loaded...and now they are all dead.

I place a fair amount of emphasis on retail therapy. Ill blow 250 on a crazy sweatshirt and ill feel better. Great now all i have is this sweatshirt to look good and cry in. FUCK.

I made the mistake of telling my mom that im having a really hard time with life. I always have and she knows that. It's up and down.

Ive been a cocaine and X animal in the past and made it through that. Although i dabble every few months. I see a shrink and have for umpteen years. Im going to start regular this thursday.

I want to be able to function. Being on the brink of tears all the time is near fucking killing me. I dont want to cry and I dont usually. Im so unhappy and I dont know how to fix it. I want to walk out of work and sit in bed and smoke cigarettes...scratch that. I just want to be dead or at least asleep until all this angst has blown over.

To be old would be nice. Then life would be over with and I could be that much closer to death. I wouldnt have to worry about anything anymore and it would just be done. I would so much closer to being finished. Finished with worrying. Finished with guilt about stupid shit. Finished with school. Finished. Like dead. Im trying really hard to convince myself its not a good idea to kill myself, im finding it increasingly difficult as the days go on. Less and less reasons. I think too much.

I used to tell myself that i am too much of a pussy to do it.

Im getting to the point where the idea doesnt seem that extreme anymore and it makes me...well...sad...why do i have to feel like this?

No friend can cheer me up. Nothing really can. Im really worried. I hope to christ i tough it out long enough to get over this. It's really tiring though. Im so fuckin tired.

Back to work and back to life...think i should maybe visit the parental units tonight. I need some reasons and im racking my brain

Sweaty pits & weiner shorts

2005-04-16T12:00:00.000-05:00

A'ight. I'm feeling better now. I went on a bit of a bender last weekend and it's taken me until now to feel up to par. What ever the fuck par is? 100%..A-Okay..Super?

So I feel a'ight. I'm ghetto like that. Bender was interesting, as drug and booze induced benders are. Busting rails all night and into the afternoon the next day. Was feeling zonked..obviously. My friends wanted to go get more at 5am...fine I'm game. My friends wanted to go get more at 11am. I am NOT game and why would i delay the inevitable and terrible come down. I wanted that come down as soon as possible and there was no way in hell I was going to get higher...I dont think I could have. Was alrweady mad pit sweating too. Had to work at 1:00...no more.

Lay down and caught some bizarre form of ZZzzz's where i didnt feel like I was really sleeping and I kept whacking off thinking of my hot neighbor (partner in crime from said night)

*****fuck is he hot....6'4" 210 shaved head and just plain old hot..with bad cloths...but he was wearing loose like mesh Champion shorts..so i could see his cock...all night..back to the story****

and I was contemplating going upstairs and asking him if he wanted some head. He is straight. But he was also tweaked so his judgment may have been poor...needless to say i didnt go ask...but thinking about doing it and the apprehension proved to help with some mind blowing orgasms...then my heart was beating so fast I couldnt sleep with the noise. Fuckin hate it when that happens.

I recovered somewhat and went to work for 1:00. Dead..wore some smoked glasses because I was sporting the trashbag with monster pupils look. At least in dark glasses I was sporting the such deep dark beautiful eyes look. I hope. Good thing i tan too..so I had some good color. I worked kinda...sat around and ate cheezies and merchandised a bit. Walking was rough. Left early , crashed at 7pm until 8 am the next day. What a fuckin waste.

More recent news I registered for my last couple of req'd courses...Finite Math and Human Geography here I come...who would think you would need those for an Arts degree with a major in Art History , possibly if if feel so inclined, History of Modern European Society too. Crazy kids down at the University. Anyways..done in December of this year..then on to social work...maybe....I dunno...damn. Hard to decide what to do, Im assuming it gets easier in due time?

Resuming normal life..finished my refinishing of my kitchen chairs...I wish i could describe them. Hmmm square stained walnut with one piece L back and seat in off-white leather. Deco and fucking amazing. Never cease to amaze myself with my refinishing skills. Such nice lines on these chairs. Bought a crazy glass table with some multiple thick chrome tube base. Nice. Im poor. They're nice. Im poor. Priorities, I have beautiful furniture and fridge full of chicken, bottled water and soy milk and a cupboard full of protein powder. Nice car full of gas and clean. Being big and strong with pricey taste take a toll. My new mantra- I'm poor, they're nice.

I've got to get my credit card down too...jesus...I just threw 1500 bucks on it and I already spent a ton on some new pants (pinstripe but ridiculously nice and casual and low rise) and shorts and a couple of shirts. My uniform in the summer is fitted white t-shirt with jeans or maybe these low rise pin stripes or shorts..and i confess...i love birkenstocks. If i was a flamer i would be disgusted with myself. All I use the cc for is clothing and I was convinced that if this was it's sole use it would stay at a reasonable amount..does everyone have credit card woes? It's at 2600 CAD so 2100 USD. That bad?

5 tokens fo' a dolla

2005-04-05T12:17:00.000-05:00

Had to leave work yesterday for a sore jaw...and not for any of the right reasons. Although I was feeling down and sore so I went to a popular glory hole peep show place..holy christ was it sleazy.

It's by the university that I attend and I have been there once before as it is hopping with young guys and business men, I chose a booth put in some coins and started taking care of business when a dude starts jangling at my door...I just smirk and carry on. This dude is all aggressive and jiggling the lock and eventually the door opens. He looks in and says "wow' (obviously) and invites me to a larger booth. Hell, why not? My tokens are up and I still wanna get off. So we're doing our thing and guys are knocking on the door and asking if I wanna get fucked..lilke they have never seen an attractive well dressed slut? How juvenile...err...yeah thats good..juvenile. So he slips a condom over my cock and starts jerking and I cum.

I cum.

I would have been embarassed if I wasnt the hottest thing in there. Like 10 (5 maybe 3) minutes into it and I get off. He tells me in some accent " Gee dat was too quick..i was gonna suck it." UMm hands off sir. Dirty condom in his hand, theres a gift for the wife and kids ( I assume), and walk out to the front of the store where my car was parked in a loading zone. It was rush hour and to be honest I knew I was gonna be quick..in fact i thought id be quicker. No ticket though..whooo...hooo this day is looking up.

I went home and bought some ben and jerrys ice cream and froze my jaw and smoked a few cannons and watched HOME DELIVERY. Which is the ghettoest of shows? WOW That is certainley a kitchen I would want for myself...forest green and fake oak laminate...the hosts are soo phoney.

My jaw still hurts and i dont feel funny today. LIke humorous..at all.

Ooop sorry POps

2005-04-01T16:32:00.000-06:00

Sorry about all the spelling errors and grammatical errors in my last entry. I added the Pope part after the fact and didnt wanna go back to fix anything. Later Pope. Or Pops if he had kids...which he cant have...so he didnt..who knows though.

Dude digs some dastly (sp?) duds and The Pope died

2005-04-01T16:30:00.000-06:00

So the dude wears a trenchcoat. Its all I can think about. You think that be bad. I do . But I still dont give a shit because its a fuckin lead pumpin layer. Im gonna look past it though. My perogative, after much deliberation with friends and random people who kinda know me, is that spring and then summer (just in case y'all aint followin seasons) are on their way. So all that will matter is the cute jeans and t shirts and maybe some flips flops. Thank christ above that ole ma nature is shiftin the winds to warmth. Crazy old boot.

This kid does have some potential...as he is "fresh meat" though. Freshly homosexual and freshly confused about what exactly it means to be fag (that was for you..punk...i hate that word too). Its hard to explain with so many conflicting ideas floating around..or flaming...whatevs. Trying to explain to this guy that being gay is simply a small part of who you are..its not what you are. Im a human that digs dinks. No beave for me but bring on the cock n' balls. I think he understood it.

Dude was also talking about how I had lived an interesting life full of experiences. I see them as growing pains...and as I am not saying I regret them. I am saying I wish sometimes that I had been thinking clearer and would have been a tad more aware of how stupid some of those things (err dozens and dozens..maybe a hundred..people) were. I dont think that I took some enlightened path, although I am lucky to have turned out normal...whatever that is.

This kid may have some potential. He DOES have potential.

Just went to the bathroom and two dudes were going to town...reminded me of battle farts from harold and Kumar.

Pope just died. Meh. Too bad someone died. Too bad he hates homo's. Too bad that thousands of people are dying everywhere in various conflicts and the old Polack ddint have much to say about it. Sorry your dead pope. Ill see you in heaven. . .even though im gay. Then again i dont believe in Heaven. Soooo enjoy your mauseleum. I am not sad, but feel for my mom because she digs catholisicsm. Sorry Mom, you can have a new right wing old man too look to to for faith soon. Her and her sisters are probably weeping in between croissants and wine. Maybe they will take a day trip from their National Lampoons Provence Vacation to visit the pope...orr lack of. Could be a good take off of weekend at bernies...then again maybe it was...he hasnt looked great in a while.

Im going to mourn...meh im gonna have a cigarette and talk about shoes with the girl from the office over. She has great shoes. My legs are tingling...is that god punishing me or are they just sleepy. Yikes.

I tapped them...they woke up..or god responds to tap dancing. Who knows.

2005-04-01T14:04:00.000-06:00

Very horny now..i can taste it. So big and perfect with the perfect body and christ....enough.

2005-04-01T14:02:00.000-06:00

Very horny now

2005-04-01T14:00:00.001-06:00

Very horny now...what body and so hung...he was soo hot...maybe thats what I miss.

X...not the drug..the boyfriend..sadly

2005-04-01T14:00:00.000-06:00

As a sidenote...im laying off the coffee and god willing this thing will be a tad more chill and representative of how i actually am. Chilled. And Fuckin tired.

I still havent shaken the thoughts of the ex boyfriend. Fucked up shit...yo. How many of you kids have had a boyfriend then went str8..then moved to the oil rigs...then got a fat bitch for a fiance. Just me? That's wild.

Sooo hows abouts a recap....since im a glutton for punishment and enjoy revisiting my failures in life and love. He had a boyfriend and had just started at my workplace. Infamous for being smoking hot and skateboarding professionally...I was damn interested. Dude had a boyfriend which made his sweet ass all that much more appealing. I used to have a thing for stealing other boys' boyfriends. So I did. It took me all of 2 weeks and we were dating and he had dumped his boyfriend and moved out of their apartment into one of his own. His friends were dope and the parties were fierce. He was into some heavy drugs and so was I at that point so everything seemed perfect. I lived at home and he slept at my place most nights and we partied until all hours.

We moved into this huge apartment..like 2000 sq feet and partied all the more. He was a conflicted kid raised by druggies and had always dated junkies. A pattern fan I guess. Loaded and fucking everyone in our perverse weird little (it was huge) apartment world. We broke up after we did a bunch of acid and he screwed a few chics and then I went nuts writing mean things all over masking tape and decorating (use that term loosely) the apartment. We were however in love. Thats enough of a recap as they are painful memories...especially the good ones.

We broke up, I went back to school and kept in touch with a few of his best friends that were str8 skater boys that I had fucked while we were dating and since fucked a bit too. I fucked the whole situation up. How much did I love him if I cheated on him? With his best friends? Meh i dunno...I did. I cant stop thinking of him and how much I miss him. I suppose I miss the aspect of having a normal str8 acting boyfriend and I guess that I miss being a general fuck up and having a sweet piece of ass at home with a cock like..oh christ what a body on that kid. He was only 19 when we started and no doubt str8 with issues. Thats enough because this has so sustenance.

His cock was the ultimate comfort food though.

2005-04-01T02:02:00.000-06:00

Im horny now.

YIKES

2005-03-29T17:29:00.000-06:00

Just reading over the entries from today and i really have to chill off the java...i sound like a stoned teen girl.

HUGE NUTS

2005-03-29T16:21:00.000-06:00

I have big nuts and when i wear tight boxerbriefs they hurt and are never right. I am so uncomfy today...my poor nuts are all distraught and im practically just standing up..well i am..and dancing around. Fuck.

If you say it right Reality sounds like Real Titty

2005-03-29T14:04:00.000-06:00

I'm not a huge fan of Reality Television. . .but it be fuckin colder then a sleighdogs nuts in the winter. So I watch. That sounded so Canadian hickish. Fun. I was watschin the batchelor last night and I could not believe how catty these brawds were. One girl was all up and convinced that she was in love with him and told she was a part time model..swimsuit nonetheless and then an FBI investigative agent part time too. That girls must have skills. The Batchelor then went on to say that he was using his partime batchelor skills and part time invesitgative skills to deduce that this girl was full time crazy. I thought that was all classy...and shit...u know. Maybe just me.

Anywho and sum and sumthin I'm starving and now on lunch....my late ass left my wallet at home along with whatever money my poorass had. So now my poorass will possibly starve and be destined to take on a life of prostitution and drug abuse. At least they get copious amounts of good free drugs. I think. Hmm pros versus cons. Hookers versus junkies. Who would win? Junkies for sure...they would be all twitchy and floating like butterflys because they are high and stinging like bees because they twitch all quick and stuff catching you off guard. Agree mais oui?
And lets not forget stinking like a dead rhino's asshole because they spend their money on junk and matching junkie tuques or like knitted winter hats as americans call them. Have you noticed how many junkies seem to all be wearing similar hats. I think they are in a club...like OPus Dei..or Stonemasons...color me jealous and kinda red because i just went tanning yesterday.

As a side note..or a center note because thats where this is appearing. This is my third journal. I have had a couple of others that seemed to just recount youthful events such as getting my ass banged senseless while busting rails off a dudes cock. Crazy times...gotta be a consistent type of hard on to bust rails off it ... lemme tell you. Skills yo. This diary is intended to be less smut and more mutt. I.E a mixture of me talking about what senseless shit im thinking about, or what things or lack thereof may be going on in my life. No more of this miserable sex, lies and drugs and then lie some more and have sex and then drugs. VICIOUS CYCLE. Although I still like sex and drugs, but one must learn to moderate in order to be a productive member of society. I produce. Lemme hear an AMEN. Amen. THx.

What else do i need to cover today..maybe how excited i am that i have gotten some amazing new denim and am seeking denim reatil rehad because i spend a fuckin fortune on blue jeans. Oooh i just realized that this is my outlet for letting my flame fan a bit..because people..in real life I am all reserved and deep voicey tall and assumed str8. They call that...fauxmosexual. Very good. Im tricky.

Yeah back to denim. New Sevens...they make my ass look money. New Sacred Blues....because im label whore..i hate the way they fit..but hey...sacrifices for the good of mankind. Im an humanitarian. I give to the wealthy jean manufacturers...a little misguided...but i will interpret it as humanitarian putting all those unemployed people to work is big countries full of tiny people. How much they make is none of my business...my humanitarian efforts only stretch so far.

I am only so much man.

Hows abouts the family? Sure....father businessman...no more details online. Mother works for the government...no more details online. Brother 26, very educated, total opposite although we smoke reefer together, sells steel, no more details online. No we are not italian or crooked although I love those whacky crooked italians and their cement shooze and swimmin with fishes. They are north americas japanese in the "Like a green frog dancing on serene lily pads in rose water bowls" kinda way. Following? Good. "Like a dirty rat mobster swimmin with fishes." Resemblance is uncanny. I'll have the manicotti with some Sake and a dynamite roll.

All you asian italian mobsters..PEace out..yo. Fo shizzle my crazy italian japanese nizzle..dizzle. Reading my diary sensin some ADD..i drink way too much coffee

Eh Der.

2005-03-29T09:40:00.000-06:00

For the love of god is this place funny looking. I dont think I have ever seen so may women with receding hair lines...or male...umm female pattern baldness. Poor poor things. PLugs just dont look right on anyone. Maybe we could have fashionable chapeaus put into the workplace dresscode mix. That'd be cute? It wont make them less ugly. Just less bald.

Laughing my ass off yesterday as I walking towards the can. I drink so much water that i spend hours a day taking a leak..or leaks. I tripped. Over. A. Midget. Talking MIDGET..big letters to emphasize the small man. Dude steps up to about my knee. Hence i walked into the lil bastard and hit him in his glasses with my collossal knees. I guess it happens all the time..the lil guy just laughed and stumbled around and then sped (lose the word sped loosely) back to his desk/whatever the fuck set up he has.

Out of work finally yesterday only to be stuck behind some fellow workplacer who was driving about 10 and weaving around like the a drunk on a cell phone. Note to self: Dont drink and drive anymore on a cell phone. So not chic. Sooooo Im honking because i be wanting me a joint when i get home and I would appreciate it if this domestic car driving bastard would speed up. I take the initiative and pass his dumb drunk ass. Only to see.

It was the midget. . . Standing on the drivers seat. . . steering. . .while working hand controls. Jesus christ, you have got to be kidding me. He drives so slow he could waddle there faster. Midgets. . .I'm all against equal rights. Whatever happened to the old saying "Life is not fair". Lets bring it back people. Speaking of back.

The size of some of friends reer ends seem to be worth notice lately. I pride myself on having pretty friends..because..well...ugly people are offensive, and no fun. Cuz they are all up and concerned at how people look at them because they know they are ugly. Poor bastards. Back to my friends and their fat asses. I told them yesterday and they agree. Weed and winter are bad mojo for asses. Mine however..gorgeous. AMEN.

I've recommended a diet of cocaine and red wine. We'll see how that goes. Ill do what i can to help them out with hook ups and decent priced wine choices. Who can say i dont love my friends?

I on the other hand have been hitting the gym like a mofo and I be tired as hell and experiencing rubber arms and cement legs. I guess this is what a hooker feels like on a sunday morning after straddling all saturday night and holding herself up. HMmm sigh..that may be more fun then the gym. The ab workout I have adopted is fan (fucking) tastic though and I'm feeling good..still not buff to par...but good...umm better...trying to stay fuckin positive.

Had the date on the weekend with this schmo named Kenzie. Fascinating take off from Mackenzie eh? His parents soo made him gay. Like all Gattica stylez...only Ethan Hawke and Jude Law (even in a wheelchair) are way hotter..or more hot. Anywho the boy is cute and tall and buff...no waifs for me..but deuce and a halfs either (250 lbs)... he wore a trench coat and some weird gloves because he is all in a punk band. His shoes were funny too.. I have to overlook that, right?
YES
NO
CHANGE HIM?
Not a bad suggestion but it seems to doom most relationships when you try and change someone. The serious pluses are that he is well Bred and cultured. Im a well bred cultured snob (to a degree..i think its common sense...my friends say its snobbery) and I like the same. He is the same with worse clothes. I will help him..we are the same build. I will ease him into it. He claims to know things must improve wardrobe wise but is too busy. Where are his priorities?

Another fascinating tid bit. ..he has yet to delve into the world of Tom sluttery. Similar to Tom foolery but this guy was wayy easier. Following? Good. So he hasnt been a hoe yet. I used to think that most boys should be a drugged out tramp at least for a bit of their life. Now i disagree because I have some Reeeegrets...lemme tell you...err rather not. I suppose i should go work or read other peoples blogs as I am bored of myself. But you are handsome. Why thank-you. My pleasure. Im fucking thirsty.

Number 1

2005-03-26T10:54:00.000-06:00

I used to be a fan of the old diaryland...it's grown old...as have I. At least I feel (fucking) old.

Life seems to have slowed down a bit. With the same disappointments minus all the drugs and booze to make them that much more tolerable.

I'm now 24, 6'3", 190 lbs, in the best shape of my life, with a fuckin sex drive like a rabbit on ludes. Not able to find what i'm looking for yet. I'm finishing up school and working like a fucking madman, driving myself into the ground with work and school and lack of sex....or sex that deems any mention beyond..thank jesus above that i finally got off.

I gotta go do some work. Ill be back when im feeling more introspective..or when i have some interest in writing. Feeling like whatever literary skills I had are gone...